Beyond Programming 101
International Center for Training and Research in Neurolinguistics and Gestalt Psychology
Newsletter
“Like sands through the hour glass, so are the days of our lives.”
We all have this hour glass but we do not know how many grains we have above us, but we know how many grains we have lived that rest below us. Each day that goes by is another grain that drops below through the narrow channel.
The top of the hourglass represents unlimited potential. While full with life’s sand anything and everything seems possible. The top of the hourglass is about foundation building. It’s about being a voracious generalist. It’s about keeping all opportunities open. The goal at the top of the hourglass is to explore the widest possible frontier of ideas and tools and to establish confidence in a sandbox full of capabilities that can be combined and recombined in unpredictable ways as the future unfolds.
The middle part of the hourglass represents focus and leverage. As the hourglass narrows so does our focus to accelerate and maximize progress and impact. It’s a wonderful time in our lives to mine our generalist foundation for personal growth. It is important to take the time because the grains of sand pass by. Before you know it, the top chamber begins to become empty and we suddenly realize that much of our sand has passed us by and we did not even realize it.
According to some research that I was reading, it stated that a bumblebee's body is too heavy and its wings are too small; which means aerodynamically, a bumblebee just cannot fly, but it keeps trying, and eventually it succeeds, the bumblebee succeeds because it doesn’t know about this research, and therefore it programmed itself differently!
When we don't know our limitations, we go out and express ourselves.
The only limitation we have are the ones that are self imposed.
“My grandfather rode a camel, my father rode a camel,
l ride a Mercedes, my son rides a Land Rover, and my grandson is going to ride a Land Rover...
but my great-grandson is going to have to ride a camel again”
said Sheik Rashid, the founder of Dubai
Why is that, asked Lorane, the one who was having this conversation with the Sheik.
And here is what the Sheik replied: “Hard times create strong men, strong men create easy times. Easy times create weak men, weak men create difficult times”.
The Sheik continued and said, Many will not understand this today, but you have to ‘raise warriors, not parasites.' The deepest historical reality that all great empires, like the Persians, the Trojans, the Egyptians, the Greeks, the Romans, and in later years, even the British ... all rose and perished.
‘They were not conquered by external enemies; they rotted from within’. We are past the Mercedes and Land Rover years... the camels are on the horizon, he said again !!The greatest generation consisted of 18-year-old kids leaving their home, with some 14 rupees, to start a new life in another city, to search pastures and build a whole new genesis, I have heard this from my father and even in interviews of many people.. And these days, two generations later, some 18-year-old kid, somewhere, wants to hide in safe rooms when they hear words on social media and it hurts their feelings. The camels are on the horizon for sure. Something to ponder? History has a way of repeating itself.
What a beautiful Egyptian saying, hai na ! As both are part of the plan, isn't it ! both thorns and the rose, together they make the rose.
Good is therefore no more good enough, if not for the context of the bad.
How else do we know what is light, if darkness never existed.
It’s always in these contrast, that we learn,
It’s beauty and the beast, Ram and Ravan, Jesus and Judas,
How else would we understand the archetype of death, time and change,
how else would we adore Durga maa, in the absence of the asuras.
So don't attempt to rub off the rough edges, it’s part of the great tapestry.
The bumps, sharp turns and fallen trees are all part of the eternal trajectory too.
The ones who promised to show up, but didn't and the angel investors too.Know that the scorching heat, birds, cold winter, flooding rains, rocky parts, rodents, etc etc … are all part of the field ..! And here is what the wise sower would do, when the birds pecks away the seeds he just sowed on the farm, “he would continue to sow, and he’d sow more than what the birds can peck away”
Now that is the secret of life,
One of the greatest lessons that I have learnt from Dick, my teacher, “is to work more on the self than on the job or the field”.
“TO BE BIGGER THAN THE CONTEXT”.
The idea that it is possible to rapidly and unconsciously assimilate (without any understanding) complex patterns of behaviour, language, etc from the genius available in our environment, and then displaying it in our own behaviours, is called as modeling.
5 Steps of model of modeling !
1. Find the genius (genius is not confined to famous people alone, there is genius in every single one of us)
2. Model in the context you want more behavioural choices and not the whole. beware of eating the entire watermelon, or else you would spend the rest of yoru life spitting its seeds!
This is the phase of unconscious assimilation of pattern, so you don't want to assimilate patterns in all the contexts in which you have access to.
3. Watch our for the obvious, the explicit parameters of movements, sequence and hierarchy. as much as you believe in the wind that moves thje leaves, look at the movement of the leaves ! in gestalt we call it as Sculpting !
4. as you incorporate these patterns in your somatic mind and inner imagery of senses, figure out for congruence and alignment. - make it more and more explicit and check for inner messages and tweak accordingly.
5. now feed forward, check for ecology. step on the timeline, meet your future self and see how that goes !
What is life without some risk and faith.
In the end it all comes together as a whole, when we are willing to risk the shore of familiar in service of the higher grounds.
Success is not linear but the quantum is circumambulation, just like the labyrinth or the process of individuation. It's a journey more towards the core, the wholeness and to understand self in light of the perception and perspective.
Success is a commitment,
and goal setting has to be a 'truth value'.
What we set apart to do, or at-least tell ourself 'we would do'; when we don't 'do these very things that we commit to ourself, it's a lie we tell ourself,
and we don't deserve to be lied to,
not at-least by ourself.
Success, is therefore a life long process, of integrating the opposites of 'I want to eat' and 'I want to diet',those very opposites of 'I want to sleeeeep' and 'joining the 5am club', bringing the split-off parts into a more integrated personaloty of our human existence.
The struggling mind will often build places to seek shelter (coping mechanisms) for different aspects of self from our most traumatic experiences, memories and impacts.
That is the way we all organise our life, inner imagery and persona. You would be surprised to know how many intersectional planes of untethered consciousness exist.
When we are ignorant of ‘its’ presence, the unconscious, ‘it’ attempts to communicate, but in vain, therefore the first part of any sort of healing is to turn inward.
When you see ‘it’ as your shadow, know that it is not your enemy, ‘it’ is not something that you have to get rid of or heal. ‘It’ is the gatekeeper of your resources, potential and portal to the multiverse.
We do not live in this material world. We live in a psychic world. Right?
And we are only able to make indirect inferences about the nature of reality, ‘merely perception’.
No tree can ascend to the light of heaven if it does not descend to the depths of hell. So as long as you trap the soul with the material, it will be kept from flying off into the bardo realm of ‘only-psychic’ reality.
The material holds the soul in the vase of this world, which is limited just to this material realm of three dimension, it will rot and eventually die in the poetry of the concrete.
The legend in Richard (Dick) McHugh lies in being the founding father of NeuroLinguistics and gestalt in Indian, and yet his legacy reaches far beyond ‘just’ that.
Being a Jesuit priest, who lived in Maryland, came to India learnt Hindi, worked with the lowest strata of population in a place called Chaibasa back in the 70s in Jharkhand, assisted Fr. Tony while Sadhana was being built (vipasana center), learnt psychology, went deep into NeuroLinguistics and Gestalt, got his doctorate, taught in India for nearly 4 decades.
Life of a Giant, isn't it !!
Despite coming from the field of theology, his deep interest towards quantum science and psychology added the right proportion of curiosity to the study of the unconscious, which he represented at the cognitive representation with so much elegance.
Dick was brutally honest with his participants, very courageous and he openly explored mysticism, esoteric beliefs and metaphors, he would bring it all during his sessions to intervention through clean language and in honour of the client.
I have seen him move with empathy and grace. He had the gift of sponsorship and always reminded us of the forest, the redwoods and our resources!!
He spend an entire life to understand himself, the human behavior and our universe.
This fearless curiosity changed the field of Neurolinguistics here in India. He brought in newer approaches to therapeutic intervention by challenging through congruence and closing a case in under 30 mins, without really getting into notes taking or psychoanalysis.
Today I woke up with a thought of my teacher, who is my giant, the magus and my miracle!
———-
Let me leave you with something he shared with us in class, 2012, Bangalore:
“That which we disown, suppress and not talk about - has no inherent agenda by itself. Its functions is to help support us to reflect on the opposite side of our known world - which is the ego and all that which it embodies what we refuse to acknowledge.
This means the dark side, our shadow shapes as needed and It should not be viewed as an adversary or a bad thing, but an unconscious allay or a force that guides us and challenges our known world so that we could go beyond and explore”
There is a universal truth we all have to face,
Whether we want to or not,
Everything eventually ends.
Hope is not foolishness.
Just as Faith is not gullibility.
As much as I have looked forward to the blooming of flower, rising sun and the birth of life through wilderness and adversities,
I also know that things end and someone has to leave first,
this is a very old story of this universe, and there is no other version to this story.
You are strange my love, I guess that is why I find you so irresistible.
I have always disliked endings, The last day of summer, The final chapter of a great book Parting ways with a close friend
But endings are inevitable, Leaves fall, You close the book You say goodbye ...In the dark sacred groove, as I look now, at the rotting leaves of life that once existed, a heap of shadow, the tombstone fortress, there are lights even today that flashes through the windows. The fairy fire is awake tonight. Algae and the dead plant staying up past the red-wood’s lifetime, to tell us the love stories of the deep that once hosted you and me.Now that we are dead, things are perfect.
Empty..
A silence beyond challenge..
It's an end point, a blank page, it's a messy thing.
An impossible thing that was made of us and light, of meat and desire..
you, my love, I love you beyond time and perfection, an infection and the insatiable hunger, after exhausting all possible poetry and coffee, he devours himself, who loves you again.
At the end of the day, we still crave for the presence of ‘that’ one person with whom when we share our thoughts, we know, they would hold the space for us, and when we share ourselves, they would hold us, like we should be held between spaces and thoughts with scale and certainty, in a way the wave holds the surfing board and how the wings of the butterfly are supported by the wind.
We all crave for 'that' sponsorship, for being seen and held like we should have been, always, as an offering link to the sacred, to become infinite with a kiss and its communion.
As much as he was drawn to the one he really wanted to offer himself, the very ironic existence of distance and borders, that she is not with him today, not because she didn't want to, but simply because the horizon will continue to be out of reach, and as life happens here in this breath, He will have to sleep this night as an absolution that would never pass.
I continue to reminisce the humble moments, we spent together, Gerald tells me this, as a tear is born in his eyes, clouding the moment.
For the first time I have seen him soft and vulnerable for Grace, the girl he loves, and in that moment, I could sense my own missing of whom I call ‘grace’, for without our Grace, their memory is a ghost, and the house continues to haunt us, for as long as we live without …..
So as I sleep tonight, I travel time in my fantasy to reminisce the parched night, the long walk, the old city, and the way she touched me, held me, it was all like a prayer
-------
Aren't we all consumed by these non-conventional narratives, and these very stories of ours consume us.
What I feel the most in this moment is ‘Do Pal Ke Jeevan Se Ek Umr Churaani Hai’, Zindagi Aur Kuchh Bhi Nahi Teri Meri Kahaani Hai’.
Page 67, from the book of 'Gerald and Grace'; not yet published or written.
If you must ever doubt something,
doubt your limits!
Life isn’t linear,
so stay woke,
Take a pinch of you with a whole lot of sass,
now sprinkle it with your playfulness and add just enough class to it so that it adds to your strength and light and don’t forget about the ‘fuck-you’ look, that is emergence of the other polarity.
It brings balance and elegance to the field!
Discover your badassness, because life has neither meaning nor pity, so don’t mistake perfection for wholeness, and dont let your soul, imagination and orgasm wither away!
The impact of trauma is saved and configured based on these experiences; it is necessary to address topics beyond (PTS) and explore the realms of the human struggle, the complicated coping mechanisms, addictions, losses, grief and death. The confusion of Identity or the Purpose, the Split and Disparity in roles we play. Integrate Healing and Transformation into the timeline at the place of trauma stored in our body and at the point where we experience intimacy. To heal the trauma that keeps us at that age where we experienced it.
According to some research that I was reading, it stated that a bumblebee's body is too heavy and its wings are too small; which means aerodynamically, a bumblebee just cannot fly, but it keeps trying, and eventually it succeeds, the bumblebee succeeds because it doesn’t know about this research, and therefore it programmed itself differently!
When we don't know our limitations, we go out and express ourselves.
The only limitation we have are the ones that are self imposed.
Something that came up in a therapy session,
“Just because you understand the reason why someone is doing the thing that they are doing, doesn’t mean its an acceptable way for you to be treated that way.
And ‘it’ is in NO way an excuse for you to be treated unfairly.
Just because you are compassionate and empathetic towards a few, it does not give them access to you!
A relationship is when you are ready,
not when you are lonely.
To quote pablo here “Someday, somewhere - anywhere, unfailingly, you will find yourself, and that, and only that, can be the happiest or the most horrible moment of your life” !
In the end they are anyhow going to judge you, so whatever !
Nobody is immune to truth and beauty,
and as much as everyone wants to avoid pain, they still want the rainbow,
without the rain.
Some day someone,
will come and save you,
and that would be you,
from the future !
Know that Superman on wonder-woman is not coming.
So wear your fuckin cape,
stretch fourth your wings and, take that leap,
feel the wind beneath your wings,
and fly !
I know all this because,
you once told me this.
and if ever I know love,
It is because of you.
You taught me to be in service of the soul,
To work for something greater than goals.
You made me realise,
my own heart beats.
and I remember that morning when you told me “to make it count”
————-
This post is dedicated to my teachers, “my mentors” - the unicorns, and the “Giants, on whose shoulders I stand”
Transcending duality is knowing that God and Satan are the same entity : you !
The form is the formless, and it takes one to create the other, the virus and the antivirus.
Paradox is the pre-requisite to any expanding consciousness. When I am able to see my side of any issue, and the other, as equally true and just, that is when we begin to understand the construct of reality, after all it is energy that makes up both.
It does take ‘two to know one’
and both are transmuted within me, to anew perspective and then to know that I am beyond both.
I am thinking of that night, when all that I knew about light, when the last of it too 'went off', that is when I learned to see, that which I was told 'not to', the dark !
In that breakdown and desolation, a new birth took place for me, said Grace. As though many alchemical symbol of a union of unlike substances; a marrying of the opposites in an intercourse which has as its fruition and the birth of a new element, this conjunction first takes place in the underworld, where there is no light, when we are in the deepest depression & most alienated from ourselves, others, and life.
In all of this I have roamed for most of my life, searching for light, through tunnels, doors, mirrors and windows, She kept saying to me, on my chair as I sat next to her, for the session. (this time Gerald didn't come, she had taken time just for herself)
she continued : I longed for a person I could call home, but I kept moving in circles that never belonged to me, and getting lost in paths that was lit up with just 'maybes'. I was regressing.
IUntil one day I took the high wave and I knew I was homesick for him, for who could never be mine, and he kept starring back at me, I wasn't feeling lost anymore, I felt found, yet it was just in my head and he wouldn't just be. I had to make visible that, for me, which perhaps never might happen for.
---
This is an excerpt from the book that starts with love of Grace and ends with Gerald. This book is yet to be written.
Grace has to now perceive her world differently, and she must be willing to change all that she knows, and let her past slip slowly away, including all that 'what she called love', she had to take her next step, or else she would die - expand her sense of 'Now' and dissolve the fear of her narrative. and her greatest weapon in this journey would be her ability to choose a new beginning, a new home, a new life. and how should I, she asked me. <long pause>
and then I said 'hmmmm' <long pause - again>
She seemed to have exaggerated her pain as though she was going through the most debilitating life altering shit you have ever heard.
Now she was getting ready to leave for the day, from my office, and she said 'there must be something so rotten at the very core of my behaviors which brings me so close to home just for me to see its locked - and locked away!
History is written in fragments,
and what holds these fragments is our beliefs.
It was not written as it happened, nor with one prospective, therefore all we have is just fragments.
We are constitutionally built to delete, distort and generalize information and experiences, be it personal History or semantics.
My conversation with Judy during these tough times when nations across our globe continues to rapidly regress into a violent majoritarian state, was a relief and learning, she my sacred space on the blatant, jarring, tyranny of life.
esterday we discussed about the upcoming session in India, later this year.
For those of you who don’t know, Judith Delozier is the contributor Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP), she leads with presence, no matter where she is. Accommodating all maps, there is no place for judgement, projections and condemnation in her presence.
Beyond the cognitive mind, the history of consciousness, and in depth study of NeuroLinguistic, with the emissary herself!!
My life
Life is happening at the interface between 'me' and 'myself' in a context in which I exist.
Now there are times when everything pulls inside of me, that is when I shrink, and that is how I make myself smaller than the context.
I go inside and start with the negative talk of how I am worthless and how I do not matter.
In all of this, I lose my ability to 'hold' what is happening and find it difficult to stay in the present, that is because I am so driven and overwhelmed by the context,
so I contract,
I get reactive,
I disconnect and,
I am not here any more.
I just lost being present at the 'interface' where life is happening.
-----
Well, this was the gist of my exchange in a SWISH interaction intervention in may class with a few friends. and that is when John responded to my above sharing.
and here I quote as he said :
"Coming to yourself needs practice, especially after an explosive event in a particular context"
Now that was some anchor for me. what a joy to be with the Giant !
And then before we get into the actual activity for that day, the process that was outlined was to first set intent, build state and then step into the practice of the practices !
The root of anger may provide us with the fuel and motivation to do "crazy" things.
But hey, nothing and nobody to blame, it's time we take responsibility for our actions, intentions and deliberations.
It is time we heal those parts within us, and hold them, especially those which were rejected, abused, tormented and shut for us as children.
These triggers enrage us but they're emotional hollows that crave to be held.
They got to be loved, understood and brought back home to our own selves.
Until then, these parts will continue to hurt and be triggered.
They will perpetuate through toxicity and regrettable actions that not only hurt us but also our loved ones.
It is time we hold them, bring them to light, touch them and see them for what it is,
It is time we love those parts unconditionally till we experience the unconditional love that we should have experienced as children.
It is important that we collect all of our broken and forgotten parts to feel whole.
We have to be able to find unconditional acceptance for every aspect, even the ones we hate, to truly love our entire self.
In Neurolinguistics, Dick taught us, that ‘anger is a beautiful energy’, it is a communication from the body….
The expression of anger, however, has got nothing to do with the energy itself,
Expression of anger is an individual decision and choice, and of course, the unhealthy ‘expression of anger’ is learned and ugly behavior.
It gets dark, when one realizes the state of ‘helplessness’ and ‘hopelessness’
It is reignited whenever something from our past is triggered.
Even the most righteous of people could have unspeakable outbursts of this unhealthy expression of anger (which could be as explicit as we saw, or it could be even passive, very subtle) when they are triggered and feel rejected.
Anger sometimes is stereotyped as "male emotion".
The enforcement of these gender roles by adults in young boys can lead to a lifetime of attempts to not feel emasculated. Men try to uphold gender stereotypes and act the way men are expected to act. Men may not always feel the anger themselves but their inner child feels the pressure to act in "masculine" ways to feel validated and accepted.
Beware of these traps, installed by society.
Certain actions and behaviors unexpectedly provoke us in ways that we don't understand. Replication of emotional circumstances may set us off and make us behave unnaturally and irrationally.
It could bring out all the pent up and unfulfilled emotional needs that become triggers established when we're young.
If people truly despise something they've done, then they try to look for excuses in romanticized sentimentality. It is vital that we understand our behavior and take responsibility in a constructive manner. Our inner child has strategies to fulfil the unmet needs. The desire to belong, be respected and feel loved can become agitated.
Toxic behavior in adults can often be attributed to the child inside us desperately trying to find validation. Often people find sadistic pleasure in putting others down through words or violence in order to sustain their fragile sense of self.
They're afraid and this fear is easily twisted into ugly caricatures.
“Your inner child also needs to learn the difference between expressing a feeling and acting on a feeling.”
― John Bradshaw, Homecoming: Reclaiming and Healing Your Inner Child
Language creates our realities, how else would we who we are, our values, and beliefs.
Every language is a new cognitive universe, our truths, limitations and possibilities are coded in language.
It is a portal through which we travel to the past, step in the future and build fantasy.
Language is the crowning achievement of our species yet, it is the poorest form of communication.
-------------
I am so grateful to Atos for this opportunity to share a session with an engaging audience, titled 'Linguist is my middle name'. I borrow this title from my teacher, Fr. Dick McHugh, I remember him saying this in class, when I asked him 'How did you know that about the client, to which He replied, and I quote, "Linguist is my Middle name".
It was a class of Neurolinguistics Programming, and his statement was Figure of speech.
I am still in awe of my teacher !
Make your prison, your platform!!
There comes a time sometimes,
in each of our lives when we take the decisions which we have never taken before,
this one ‘in service of something much larger’ than us and that is when we decide to break the shackles,
to break the chains from the past, from those prisons of self imposed limitations.
to get up and to stand on the platform..
There comes a time in each of our lives, sometimes….
“Free the horse”
A lot of we do and become comes from the position of the ‘ego’. My teacher, Judy in Neurolinguistics says : “the ego must be in service of the soul”, conflicts arise, when otherwise.
You cannot hate me if you do not know who I am!
On the contrary, you could love me.
Love comes from ‘not having the knowledge of who they are and where they belong to, whom they worship, what they eat, etc. etc.’
Somewhere a man is falling in love with that married women not knowing anything about who she is, While at the same time she feels lonely and unloved at home.
Hate lives in the knowledge of
Gender, nationality, religion. Social status, financial status, beauty, and possession of things.
If you do not any of the above of the people you interact with, you can never hate them.
And well if not for the ‘knowledge’ then by projection and introjection
We all lose our sense of proportion, once in a while, and 'that' is okay - I guess, For as long as we come back to the center to breathe - the sweat and struggle will be worth it. One of the greatest secrets of life is in the 'sensation' to feel that we exist, even in pain.
I have been there too and learnt the hard way, that some things aren't the way they seem, and yet some things seem so different.
some stay,
some leave.
and some days I gotta take the long way, the highway, just in the hope of running into myself. and you see, if not, there will be a graveyard in my heart filled with the love that I couldn't share and that died in my eyes.
Yet, we cannot skip these chapters, that is not how life works.
Got to read and participate in every chapter, meet all the characters;
some chapters will devastate us,
some will fool us and yet some will make us laugh and make us believe in love again,
it all comes in waves, in some eternal sequence that we get ready for. I have learnt that 'no matter what’ - we must 'Keep Going; and some days, more often than we think ;all of that has to be felt deeply -and missed terribly' -may be it is today!
It's these stories that keep the world going, it's the exchange, the horizon and the paradigm, and i hope we all are given the dexterity to love dearly and participate in ours ..
now and forever .. if no one has told you this today, let me tell you
'I love you'
A case in therapy.
Effect of the missing archetype in the growing up process.
__________
"I always end up loving the wrong guy"
Rachel said.
Now as said this,
she wore a playful smile and then she looked down and stayed there for some time.
I stayed with her and waited for her to come back from that exploration.
From here on the matrix transformed and she jumped right into the problem state.
She was in search of the missing masculine, and the effect of 'that' missing archetype kept interfering in her day-to-day life.
She then shared how she was easily 'intimidated' or 'in love' with men (older to her) and how easy it was for her to swing from one of these polarity to another, most of the time.
In a trance state,
during therapy on the chair,
when she was asked to model a behaviour she'd like to have instead of the current one;
she described her model to be having 'assertiveness,
ease around men,
no need to impress and
live up to their expectation'.
As she shared that, there was a settled breath, and calm in visualising that state.
And sure, it was,
she had more abdomen breathing and a flushed face.
Her problem state was something that was bordering over self esteem and diminished concept of self.
And it was, in her case, the absence of her father and she being the only child growing up with her mother.
This was a classic study of the 'father archetype in feminine psychology'; as much as it was painful and a pattern repetition for the client, it was a rich case study for all the interns who was in room with me.
——-
“ Because our culture is a patriarchy the very air she breathes, the boundaries of her consciousness, the contents of her personal unconscious psyche, and the complete cast of the collective psyche, are full of The Man: his image, his history, his definitions, his requirements, his expectations, his needs, his desires, his threats, his power, his laws, his religions, his gods, his money, and his ambivalent, unrealistic image of her”
[Cowan, 2004, p. 12]
——-
The line of work that evening with my client:
{Theory} :
Archetypes form the basis of all unlearned, instinctive patterns of behaviour, it is a reservoir of human experience, the collective unconscious looms over the individual psyche, like a shadow, slowly influencing our thoughts and behaviours (both implicit and explicit). when we tap into the defining archetype (either the one that is dominant or the missing one), you connect with the essential truth of 'who am I'. "Rather it is in the intensity of affective response to any given image or situation that we find what is archetypal. This can be something very small scale, not coming in a pre-packaged archetypal or mythic form. What stirs you at an archetypal level depends on you and where you sit and how you look at things and on your personal history. The archetypal therefore can be relative, contextual and personal. This reframing of archetypal theory as a theory of affects is something that has not yet reached conservative academic Jungians.”
[Andrew Samuels]
{actual Line of Work}
1. Awareness of the current pattern and how it was not helpful.
2. Awakening the masculinity within, and then integration with the child and the femininity.
3. Fathering the child
4. Saying goodbye to the physical father, with gratitude for the gift of life.
We are all in someway witnessing the demon and the light in alternating patterns, with people and in contexts.
It is a collective recalibration that we got to step into, of the know paradigm of normality and safety.
These moments, relations and experiences are constantly shifting and at times clients tell me they are experiencing overpowering contexts, dehumanizing thoughts and also conflicting relationships, constant disagreements and shifting perspectives, newer presuppositions, unknown expectations, etc. etc. etc. …
the quest of therapy is about holding these opposites in the same vessel while the client finds space and ease to tap into the resources that they already have within them, to honour their humanness and at the same time taking a stand for the otherwise!
It is 'singularity' that gives birth to all possibilities.
Duality is binary,
diagonal is not the only option when, quantum is a potent reality.
A little bit of silence sometimes, to recover from the brutality of words, we are all a little broken, yet we all belong and, our dreams are valid, 'that' is what makes life worth living.
In reality every individual is a psychological hybrid, on the spectrum, and so unless all of these parts are integrated, it becomes erroneously projected upon us, even though we carry just some qualities.
The suppressed, repressed and the abused, that which doesn't get spoken about, the lost, abandoned and dead, as long as these remain in the shadow of what 'show to the world', the light just lost its meaning, it lost its light.
Until the shadow is integrated into the whole, reality would face adversities, collude with inner tyrants, and fill with opponents. Once that is done, the moment becomes the cosmic description and the universe bursts into eons of stories of myth and psyche, from time and distance, but... this discernment wont be easily accessible to rational investigation.
Life, laughter and light.
Nothing from the first day i began this journey of neurolinguistics and gestalt and absolutely nothing has happened to me since, has ever been frightening and confusing for nothing ever i have known, has ever done more to make me feel sure, more insecure and more importantly, less significant.
“I don’t want to be important or successful,
I just wanted to be myself”
said the client on my chair, during the therapy session, a week after he destroyed his whole career.
this was a case of classic self sabotage.
-----
I felt it strong, when the client said the opening lines,
Must be suffocating for him, difficult to even breathe, deep waters, and sadly negotiated too bad, many times.
<His mother was there with me in the session>
Mother to me : how can we help him, if he doesn’t want to be helped.
My client : (very loudly - just before he broke-down fully) : I DO NOT WANT YOUR HELP, I NEVER WANTED TO BE A DOCTOR BUT EVERY TIME I TRIED TO TELL MY TEACHERS, FRIENDS, DAD, YOU ---- YOU GUYS, ALL YOU GUYS JUST PUSHED ME AND ENCOURAGED ME, UNTIL I BACKED DOWN.
<sobs - silence - crying sounds - more sobbing and longer pause>
Client continues : I knew if i got myself fired off my job, there was no way that you guys could pep-talk me back into a career that I do not want.
“I don’t want to be important or successful, I just wanted to be myself”
And today, I don’t even know ‘who that is’
---
Diary of that amazing, resilient young man, very bold to speak up, atleast today !
May more and more be able to speak up, hope they find that courage to speak up, against this dominant ideology and pressure that young kids and adults go through, be it choosing a career, marriage or even having kids !!
This must stop !
Everybody falls down, all the way down.
Just a few are really lucky to have these conversations while they still live, sadly some just write it on a piece of paper before they pull curtains on themselves and some just keep sipping from the chalice that was handed to them, all the while they live that bitter life of the circle of other’s expectation, thematic relations and conventional archetypes of this sort of patriarchy of control and dominance.
In our own unique journeys of trials, tribulations and trepidation; we must also remember that 'this' universe (or the world of possibility, that lies beyond our imagination), is a multi-dimensional matrix projection of our inner narratives and imagery, everything we experience is a different version of 'ourselves' awakening from the illusion of separation.
Having said that, there is merit is knowing that, "we cannot meet someone where we haven't yet, met ourselves". We may want to, but that wanting doesn't make it so. and therefore pushing the ones we love, so that they catch up with us, is a failing model and a downward spiral.
Sometimes it takes the dark night and the softness of aloneness to learn that everything that doesn't make you 'alive', is just too small for you.
Letting go is a gift, to make space to manifest someone who loves every ounce of you. The lover, the warrior, the nurturer, the giving, the needy, the poet, the vulnerable, the sensitive, the strong, the weak, and much much much more - the absolute whole, gorgeous being you are !!
We all have this unique energy, the archetypal movement through time and space, and if we do not put ourselves out there, the world will have less of us. We must not, therefore betray this archetypal experiences, which is the main-chief component of our existence and experience to the wholeness.
"What more choices do you actually have today that you are refusing to 'honour, uphold and invoke', as a result of which 'no choice' is the only choice you think you have".
The above was one of Dick's classic reframe, and I think it was one of the most amazing challenge in language that I had ever heard on brutal trance induction and that too so instant.
I was in class when he presented this pattern to a client who came up to him in our class and shared how she was stuck with 'no choices' to choose from, in job and her current relations.
--------
Neurolinguistics is the study to understand how we as humans can bring about more 'choices' in a context, in which we initially thought there was none.
If you fight against your current reality, then you cannot fight 'for' a different reality.
We are infinite being, held in a this human experience, which is linear and exists only in a three dimensional space. So, if you do exist in a fight, be it in fantasy, reality or otherwise, then remember that is have now downgraded to a linear experience, now you end up missing the curiosity and possibility of the experience in the visualization, dream and manifestation in investing in a new reality of the quantum.
Don’t fight 'this' reality, instead bring curiosity to the field, enough eagerness to ask, 'how do I use 'this reality' OR what is good about this that I am not able to see', and then to use it, to your advantage.
Everything that is, is just sorcery and a growth story, provided you eliminate interpretation, competition, confluence, projection, introjection, and egotism.
"There isn’t any problem so bad that you cannot make it worse"
Yesterday’s class was in a quick understanding of “Psychophysical Parallel Quantum”, a unique application based concept of Gestalt.
How we human beings constantly give meaning to everything through language, and how everything has a meaning for us. Also of how we have the obsessive compulsive behavior to close the loop of with our limited cognition.
Now the crazy part is that "as we cannot make sense of the fathomable universe and its scale, we scale it down to our limited scale”
The question which is often asked, whether the world is real or whether we merely dream it, is devoid of all scientific meaning...If our dreams were more regular, more connected, more stable,they would also have more practical importance for us.
In our waking hours the relations of the elements to one another are immensely amplified in comparison with what they were in our dreams.
We therefore recognize the dream for what it is.
All concepts are insights, which are neither true nor false but, rather, clear in certain contexts, and unclear when extended beyond these contexts.
Something that came up with a client today in therapy, she was working very hard for the past many years to let go a relation. It was a relation she loved so much to stay but, it didn't for reasons known to the universe, and she still longed for it.
She longed so bad,
that she would spend time in her head living the pain of its absence and the glory of the past.
My observation :
What came up was 'resistance' and 'conflicting parts'. She was so smooth on the chair, yet restless.
Line of action, {this is for the therapist, counsellors and practitioners}1. Allowance, acceptance2. Time Line regression using presupposition in language3. Closing loss with gratitude and grief with growth4. Rebirth and hero's journey
Message from the therapy :
If you are resisting something, you are feeding it. Any energy you fight, it is growing through you; remember the story of Kali Ma.
Pushing something away,
you are inviting it to stay.
Dick (My teacher) would say, and I quote :
"What you resist, persists and
what you accept, transforms"
"There isn’t any problem so bad that you cannot make it worse"
Yesterday’s class was in a quick understanding of “Psychophysical Parallel Quantum”, a unique application based concept of Gestalt.
How we human beings constantly give meaning to everything through language, and how everything has a meaning for us. Also of how we have the obsessive compulsive behavior to close the loop of with our limited cognition.
Now the crazy part is that "as we cannot make sense of the fathomable universe and its scale, we scale it down to our limited scale”
The question which is often asked, whether the world is real or whether we merely dream it, is devoid of all scientific meaning...If our dreams were more regular, more connected, more stable,they would also have more practical importance for us.
In our waking hours the relations of the elements to one another are immensely amplified in comparison with what they were in our dreams.
We therefore recognize the dream for what it is.
All concepts are insights, which are neither true nor false but, rather, clear in certain contexts, and unclear when extended beyond these contexts.
There are more things similar to each of us than the differences.
Our neurology is same, what differs is the software.
Now the software depends heavily our Environment, Education and Experiences.
Right from our birth we have been told about our religion, nationality, families, culture etc etc. I so wish that we were told more about our body, nervous system and how we could tap into 'this' genius.
"Our body is the greatest instrument we will ever have"
The very movements of our eyes, hands, the way we breathe, they are all associated with various pathways of the complex patterns we bring to the filed.
Here in the Practitioner's NLP Class, I was sharing with the batch an installation of a new behaviour. It is changing the neuro-pathway to open up newer possibilities and options. it is going beyond the linear, the known and the ninary so see "what else is possible".
Have you noticed where your eyes and head move when you have a dialogue with yourself, when you hear your own voice, notice these movements, these are the fine pathways that connects us.
This is how, we model, learn and improve our lives.
we are all capable to change any patterns, behaviors or even outcomes!
Grief and hope can co-exit,
Anxiety and hope can can co-exit,
Exhaustion and hope can co-exit.
Well so is the case with breakup, losses and even death,
it is called as the ‘movement of life’,
Two truths can exist in the same field at the same time,
and to know life better,
it takes two realities.
One without the other is ‘just so’ incomplete!
I’d say “feel it all, to be fully alive”.
and then, Be kind to yourself.
Believe in the other polarity,
Hold tightly to hope....
“knowing enough about a subject to think you are right, but not enough about the subject to know you are wrong”
We all are susceptible to bias.
Search engines and social media do not make it any easy, in-fact they are fertile zones to create this divide, feed our differences and fake data.
It is where religion, politics and capitalism shines !! and they do this by constantly feeding the demon of divide.
It is therefore brave enough to practice, Korzybski’s concept of “Map is not the Territory”, which is also one of the founding presuppositions of #NLP, even though most top NLPers conflict as to ‘who is right’ and ‘what is the right approach’, well this conflict has been there from the beginning of time, and then the magicians went to war (1)
Well there has been sufficient study to prove that ‘happiness is not good for the economy’ and therefore media is sponsored, to spread fake news, excite weak minds and to engage intellectuals to lead this fight. Don't make search engines on the internet as the epitome of confirmation. Don't even use that as evidence. They are designed to feed on areas when integrity is lost, and then to manifest its agendas of vulnerability.
Associations and Identifications with people, events and experiences are key parameters in creating beliefs and Identities, self-esteem and self worth.
It edges over the many definition of self as in 'what is possible' and 'what is not', it defines capabilities as well.
The husband in the session today tells "she is so needy"
{he was talking about his wife, and in doing so he associates his wife's needs with her identity}
The reframe for the husband was : 'She has 'needs' and that DOESN'T MAKE HER NEEDY'
and the reframe for the wife was : "I have needs that are not met, I AM NOT NEEDY"
Line of work with with a couple today :
1. Affirm the need.
2. Dissociate the person from the need.
3. Preserve the identity of the person.
4. Empower the couple to see each other without the previous association and judgement.
Explanation :
Affirmations are linguistic patterns of hypnotic trance movements. What you don't understand heals you. (the wonderment of magic).
The essential part of therapy or any change-work is ‘magic of the mortal’ and tapping into the moral space of the ‘forever’.
Something like a passionate,
implicit mortality, not didactic.
It is a trance-formation which changes the blood, rather than just the mind.
Do not be mistaken, growth can feel a lot like dying, be prepared to grieve the past versions of yourself that you had to leave behind.
Above all, never let journey through age ever extinguish the innocence and curiosity of your inner child.
We are all given birth to and yet,
only a few are born.
This post is not 'particularly' for you
but hey if the shoe fits you, wear it Cinderella!
People will invariably dismiss you when they realise they can no longer control you.
So go ahead and confront the shadow,
it is the only way to seek light.
We all have that shadow and we cast it in many ways.
I laugh pretty hard at the idea when people tell me that 'I am done with shadow work'
and if that is true, there wouldn't be any more light.
Shadow is the proof of light. Sit with your shadow instead of drinking it away, smoking it away,sleeping it away, eating it away,fucking it away, or running from it, sit with it healing happens in the feelingsit with it and then seek the other,if you are man, seek the feminine, not in the women.but seek and recognize it in yourself. And you woman, should not seek the masculine in men, but acknowledge the masculine in yourself,since you possess it from the beginning. A client once told me: 'my masculinity amuses me",I said: "fuck yes", it does!and so sometimes it is easy to play at femininity, and consequently man will despise you, because he despises his own femininity.in the end "we are both masculine and feminine, an understanding that goes beyond gender male and gender female.
No it is not a discussion on compatibility, I said - and added : "It is got to do with the awareness of "Allowance and Acceptance" of self and the other person to evolve differently." To remember that "the person we love has no obligation towards us to live up to our expectation."
Last week a couple who felt things were over between them came for a session, after a long time I had this opportunity to take an in-person therapy.
Background:
The girl wanted something from life and the guy wanted something else form life; things changed pretty much from where they began their life, they are still together in this relation as there is something they like about 'themselves' when they are with each other.
Premise of Work:
1. Individuals in a relationship can be at two different places and still be together, if the experiences of celebrating commonalities through the difference is worth it. If not,
The couple could choose to exit the relation respectfully and gracefully, if the differences are negotiating their non-negotiables.
Line of work:
- Hypnotic trance through story telling.
- Inducting change, eliciting response through Sub-Modality distinctions.
- Checking for congruence and exit after ecology.
- Cementing through future pacing.
The quality of our life is directly proportional to the relation we have with our self and our sacred space.
What we create and what we continue to experience is just an extension of the interaction we have with our sacred space.As long as we are on the default program and as long as one does not step into the trio of creation : "Intention - Sacred Space - Gratitude",
they will be victims of their situation, and not victors.
If you don't run your day,
the day will run it for you,
now that will be damn screwy .. isn't it ..
To avoid 'that' catastrophe - step into the 'source of your resource' - the sacred space, blessing chamber and the shoulders of giants,
Now that would be the separating factor, the difference that creates the difference in the lives of some people who live life through exhilaration and satisfaction, while a lot go through the same life frustrated, complaining and tired.
When you decide to be in service of the answer that you get to the question 'Who am I, What I really want and What do I want to create and contribute here on earth before I go", be willing to guide every thought to mesh with the 'wholeness' that you 'really are'.
the real secret is to become a deliberate thinker, and affirm with me "I am not on default program" - just so that you know, those who did not challenge the default, dint discover chrome.
So the sooner you realise the power of your sacred space and once your alignment is in concert with that, you will be able to create millennium multiplied by eons and enjoy the gratification of your creation compounded by time without end.
May you continuously create tremendously with ease and may life keep your curiosity alive along with eagerness.
You are worthy of this life, this day !
That 'just' is 'enough'.
You cannot show someone the depths of your existence and the under currents, without them also being ready to see the depths of your darkness.
We all need a miracle to escape, these great catastrophes that we create in our mind of lack and insecurities, and therefore those dreams are to be considered, perhaps it's the most ubiquitous, fertile, and alluring place.
There are times we get so alone, that - it makes perfect sense.
The years we have gone through have killed something in us, I agree, and we all needed to be reminded of the mysterious and sacred things : like the ocean, labyrinth, dead and the risen.
We cannot do without beauty, have we been anaesthetized to beauty and passion with self doubt and disregard, that life has begun to stifle and die.
Get on, get going, don't dismiss your the deep needs of being seen, heard and held; listen to those dreams, its a way to stop re-traumatizing the inner child.
Let us work with these delusions,
let us awaken the philosopher,
let us bring back the lunatic and,
let us realize the evils we defended and the heroes we ridiculed. in our quest to find meaning with our linguistic poverty and lack of feeling for human relationships, let us finally bring back the creative feminine energy, with its warm vitality and vigor.
With the onset and invasion of AI and open source codes,
we have no clue where life is going, or going to go,
the future has never been more hard to predict that in this moment, because there are multiple trajectory and highest disruption than ever.
We have no clue what are governing these things now,
and at the same time what intent is under the collective.
is it forex or is it crypto
is it stocks or commodity
is it rental or ownership
is it here ‘earth’ or ‘is it space’
well well !
things that we never faced before, and that too at a rate that were not prepared for.
and, every generation had it piece of share, and this one is here ‘for us to contribute’
so that the future will be grateful for our heartbeats
mediocre is doomed
mediocrity is already being replaced by AI, apps and stalked resources.
If you are mediocre copywriter, photographer, leader, therapist.. "what I want to share is ‘if you are mediocre creative’ - then you should 'hit out' or 'get out',
because 'it is coming for you'"
On the other hand creativity and high skilled performance is going to have a lot of resilience because 'extraordinary, off the charts, unpredictable, remarkable work', thats going to be really hard for an AI to do; it always has been..
the race is on for you to stop trying to please a mediocre ‘finish line’.
Now is the time to go higher organisation and clients who will challenge you ‘to go to a place where a computer can never get’
Stop filling little tiny gaps,
leave that to the AI.
We got to make big leaps that matters for people who care.
because business and life is not about selling more crap.
Creativity is our culture, we are wholesome with it, and that is how we evolve, grow and survive.
'That' is how we pass on our genes (and information) to the next generation, this is our story of survival (and destruction) all through time and space.
Creativity is our culture
and our culture determines who we are
so if you reading this, I am counting on you
to take a deep breath,
to lean in and to make this moment count,
your life count !
Isn't Normal is an illusion ?
"What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly"
I was shocked to hear from a teacher on a zoom call, she was telling an entire class "behave normal".
Well, I find that insane !
On one hand schools tell children to express themselves and I have seen students being suspended for the same
Phobia is the panic behavior that is presented in our body.
Phobic behavior is not “phobia”, it is the representation of thya event that once happened. It is coming from the wisdom of the body, to keep the body safe so that the previous event of the impact may not be repeated.
However our bodies can learn and evolve and upgrade. We must look into these behaviors, just to evaluate if that behavior still serves as a purpose, if not then it is time we install the new behavior.
And if for some reason the environment in the context of the trauma still exist, we must take appropriate measures, consultation and intervention in order to support our self in context where we choose to grow and evolve
A few years before his leaving India, Dick on his drive to the airport had a conversation with me, and in some part of that conversation he said “when you take the whole of who ‘you are’, you are more than the current context, catastrophe or tragedy”, the context of our conversation was about standing ground, assertively and appropriately in areas where one has to say NO, and for it to mean NO, and for it to stick clear, one would have to embrace their true authenticity and appropriateness.
At that point it occurred to me ‘that it is equivalent to taking one’s place ‘fully & totally’ in the world’
Today after all these years, what Dick said connects and reminds me of this : “if you cannot say your ‘NOs’ well, then your ‘YESes’ lose its value”
Guess where I got this one from, obviously Judith DeLozier!! anyways, my point of remembering Dick today was in the ‘choice’ philosophy he gave me, amongst the many MANY mAnY MaNy other learnings & philosophy, this one still stands tall… I will always remember him for letting us ‘all’ know “we have got choices ‘all day’, ‘every day’, and ‘every moment of every day’’
Dedication Richard (Dick) McHugh SJ PhD
The story of human existence is actually the one that constantly redefines and re-presents itself in ways that is so different on the surface and yet has so much in common at the atomic level.
The ‘once upon-a-time- myths’ becomes an empirical approach with the passage of time, which in turn after the passing of a few decades again becomes the myth of the next time.
This is the continuum we all exist - ‘the present’.
It is only when we understand this concept, we re-define self or else it’s a paradigm of conflict because ‘every thing’ all-the-time ‘all at once’ happens when the mind is open and the body is grounded - where there is movement, flow & symmetry, it’s mindfulness & psychotherapy at the centre of curiosity, creativity & connectedness
I am going to heal from this heartbreak, from the need to be with you, to be held and kissed, to wakeup each morning next to you, to ask you to hold me, kiss me and to love me.
I am going to heal from this begging and pleading and crying in front of you, just to be seen, loved and be with.
Why couldn’t love be real for me, that ‘once was’ when I met you, I couldn’t have been so wrong and unlovable, love should not be this hard.
I dabble with the fact how replaceable and distant I am to you today, from being unknown at some point to being everything, and how today the lover I knew turned into stranger again, so much so that nothing reaches you from my cries to words and poems.
I am going to heal from this thinking and suffering, of knowing how once our happiness was central to you and all that you do, that I do that today, just to be seen by you, to be loved by you.
This state of missing you destroys me from inside, I am going to heal from this and I must let you go, not because I don’t love you anymore, but because I have stopped becoming the person I love when I am with you, and I shouldn’t deserve a love that I have to force, plead or ask or think before I speak, worry and constantly wait. I am going to heal from the negotiations and convincing you to stay, to be enough for you, as I realise I cannot begin alone what cannot be whole again for you.
What stays, stays; what crashes, crashes. Time gives us contexts, we have experiences within these contexts, nothing and nobody has no obligation to please us or to live up to our requests and expectations.
Therefore setting right expectations or demands from self would be a resource, a responsibility and a requisite too; because it might need a lot of practice coming home to yourself, especially after an explosive event or context.
Now that we are already in it, so why not get started immediately. I mean, setting the right expectations of self.
There is so much to love, admire and belong… also so much to weep for and grieve too. We also have absolute ambiguity, right !!
Where ambition interferes, poetry transcends.
The only way we understand anything about this moment is by realising that it's not about waiting or finding the meaning, it's about perception!!
so much to sing,
so much to feel,
so much to dance; this is the meaning of life, this is it’s purpose and it’s wisdom too.
In our daily lives, we often interact with people without truly getting to know them. We miss out on connecting with each other and often overlook someone’s unique story and potential.
Can we change something about this then?
Well, being empathetic just might help.
Empathy serves as a key, a pathway to building deeper connections and bridging the gap of disconnection. It enables us to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes, view their experiences, and see their truth through a lens of real understanding.
Learning this art of active and reflective listening helps us be genuine and curious, and create spaces to hold the client and build rapport and a therapeutic alliance with the client in their life’s journey.
Silence is full of answers, but it demands you not question, but rather listen to it.
The state of silence, (being present, Mauna) allows us to connect with a broader vision for ourselves. It helps in shedding limiting beliefs, regrets, and worries. In the present moment, one feels more grounded, centred, and wiser, experiencing stillness and calm.
Through the intentional practice of mindfulness and silence, one becomes aware of the mystical thread that binds us all–empathy. To understand the world through the eyes of others, to listen to their feelings rather than just their words, and to provide genuine support and guidance.
When entering the space of therapy, it’s between the client and the therapist. But is the therapist the only one who sits in the chair?
A therapist is a sum of all their experiences and learnings. Sometimes, the proclivity of therapists is to superimpose what has worked for one client on another client. We resist being our authentic self for to work with what is familiar. We jump to “cure” the client or “fix” their problems and forget to look at the person beyond the symptoms. The person who wants to be listened to, who wants to be seen…
Well, there is a space for metaphors, and there is a space for compassion. There is space for empathy, and then there is space to be assertive. There are places where questioning
a client is pivotal, but there are also places where sitting in silence does miracles. There are times for awareness, and then there are times to simply hold and listen to the client.
It’s the practice of mindfulness that facilitates client intervention by helping the therapist maneuver the delicate dance between a client, a therapist, and their share of experiences.
The nature of silence holds a quality and texture that requires mindful awareness. Externally, it’s easy to showcase that you are silent. Yet internally, there can be a constant churning that one can’t hide. This surfaces as muscular pain and tensions that show up time after time.
Silence is not merely the absence of words, tears, or laughter; rather, it allows for the natural flow of thoughts and actions. It recognises a profound essence within us, untouched by words—a stillness that allows everything to flow at its own pace.
This sums up the essence of Gestalt. According to Fritz Perls, Gestalt involves expanding awareness by integrating all current senses and behaviours, influencing
the interconnectedness between the individual and their surroundings. With this conscious awareness of different facets of themselves, they gain a better understanding of their contributions to their well-being and that of others.In the words of Perls, “I do my thing, and you do your thing. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you, and I am I. If by chance we find each other, it is beautiful. If not, it can’t be helped.”
When the word “help” in helping profession is taken literally - we have created more damage than before. The space of intervention is sacrosanct, its primary goal is to empower the client, connect with a sense of belongingness, safety, sponsorship, growth and contribution… being in ecology with the client’s past present and promise.
The chaos is when the therapist’s need to be seen is greater than the client’s… therefore I strongly recommend self-work. Self-work need not necessarily be being in therapy. It is the practice of the practices that creates the difference. And if not, then the unresolved issues and holograms of the therapist begins to yell, which creates the impedance to the trans-formation experience of the client.
The therapist must not interfere with the client’s healing journey.
The bigger concern is when the interventionist is unaware of the countertransference. Yet at the same time, countertransference is such an important phenomenon to most human relationships.
Countertransference implies that the therapist’s transference is evoked by the client’s transference.
It is not always that way,
It can be there on its own aw well,
just like the client’s transference.
No matter how and what,
It is always the therapist’s responsibility not to flow with this projection.
When you learn neurolinguistic, you begin to realise the clarity and distinction between state,representation, sensation and behaviour.
One of the opening approaches after rapport and contracting with the client is state elicitation, it’s restoration and management. This is such an important stage during any and every intervention process.
Very few practices today focuses on state management so explicit today, and yet it is such an important step in setting the tone, eliciting the impact and installing new behaviour.
Dance is a form of movement, breath and pattern interrupt, When movement of this nature is synchronised well, it is the most elegant format for state installation and management.
I have heard sometimes people say love hurts,
but that, in my experience, is not true. As a matter of fact, it is loneliness that hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Being ignored hurts. Lack of empathy and not been seen hurts. People sometimes gets these things confused with love, it is our misunderstanding about love that creates this chaos. In reality love is probably one of the fewest things in this world that passes all understanding and encompasses tenderness, care and holding to make someone feel wonderful and whole again.
Love is the only thing in this world that does not hurt.
The exaggeration of one over the other is the confusion, or the conflict that creates the multiple voices. ‘Either’, ‘or’ is a linear thinking, that’s not stepping into the quantum. The quantum is inclusive, simultaneous and all at once. I have learnt in Gestalt from my teachers, in more than many ways, and I can confidently reiterate : “it takes two to know one” Every time I hear a linear approach or an approach that involves ‘ either’, ‘or’, I begin to illicit the lack in that thinking. So about compromise is a very negotiated word , somehow it teaches people that we got to lose something in order to have something else. That’s not true.
Everything is a choice. We always have a choice
Even when we say we don’t have a choice , that is also a choice point.
We frequently attempt to control our thoughts, becoming anxious when they wander, and fear when our minds suggest negative things. However, by merely observing our thoughts without interference, we permit our minds to operate naturally, devoid of judgment or assessment. Adopting the stance of a passive observer, we eventually notice our minds growing quieter.
As the mind empties of thoughts, one experiences a heightened sense of consciousness, like a bright flame of awakening within oneself.
This state of heightened awareness is what is called meditation. Meditation is about watching, witnessing, and observing one’s thoughts without getting caught up in them. Through this practice of mindfulness, one can move beyond the confines of the mind.
With Trauma we realise that our monsters weren’t always in the closet, they are in the kitchen, bedroom, parking lot, cafe, on our lovers lap, in their silence, in their wants and asks… This shadow shows up as tightness in the body, breathing fast, tinkling sensations, urges. These moments leaves us with sunset smiles and cemetery eyes. Even though our perfume smells great and diction is cool
It’s hard to feel safe in a world when one doesn’t feel safe within. The dark side that comes to the surface ‘now and then’ when we get ‘close to the trigger’ or slowly as we step into intimacy is a recognition ‘that we have been wounded’.
Trauma teaches us to wear our shadows,
while we leave our true self in the closet.
"Just get over it.”
How many times have we heard that statement? Or perhaps, how many times have we uttered those words to someone who has experienced heartbreak, the loss of friendship, or financial setbacks? Maybe we’ve witnessed them relive their stories countless times, reacting as if the events occurred just yesterday, even though they may have transpired ages ago. Why is it that some of us find it difficult to release our past wounds, carrying them like badges on our vests?
Trauma affects everyone differently, it shapes how we see the world and can make us react without realising it. We only notice its impact when we choose to face it. Our scars tell stories of battles fought within. They are not just marks on our skin but reminders of the storms we’ve weathered and the strength we’ve found in the midst of chaos.
He didn’t have anything to say;And she said nothing.Their poetry was beyond words and journeys very sacred.I can say it is October, even in May,just as our memories that continues to stay with us even after the event.“Is it possible to be with someone long after they are gone”; asked the sailor’s son to the storyteller.Storyteller :Like the scar that stays after the hit, as the memory of the wound. The waves on the surface of the sea hits hard on rocks, louder and louder; Like a restless mind that takes away the depths of silence. Like the dogs barking and chasing the car on the empty streets after dark.Our fragile lives are sacred manifestations of relationships forged In ordinary life,We can pretend for as long as we want,but then, there comes a time, when even the mighty falls and that day you are alone even in the most beautiful places, and in the greatest stories.This place seems very comfortable; said the sailor, as he continued “It is comforting to know that I have fallen here”
Silence is often seen as the mere absence of sound or activity. However, true silence is rich and vibrant, filled with music, fragrance, and light beyond ordinary perception. Have you ever considered what it truly means to sit in silence? To invite silence into your life and understand what unfolds when you dwell within it. In those quiet moments, you can discover parts of yourself that often go unseen, unheard, and unacknowledged amidst the chaos of our modern world.
By accepting, being aware of, and understanding our thoughts, emotions, and
behaviours, we can gradually dissolve the root causes of our inner conflicts. We can’t battle the thoughts our minds produce, but we can observe them with detachment and curiosity, leading to deeper understanding.
when we stepped into the space of intervention, we must be more than ready to recognise and accept the subjective experiences of the client, and at the same time to hold the extent of human potentialities. The approach and the awareness of the interventionist must be directed in recognising the impedance at various levels of biology, neurology, anatomy, cognition, and above all attitude. If we begin the work without recognising these, then our work might not be aligned with the ecology of the client, like Judy says “ something needs to be heard , something needs to be held, and something needs to be healed”; knowing the difference in the above is what creates the difference in the quality and texture of our work.
When we are not aligned, we lack full involvement with actuality , with the hear and now,
our job is to integrate the many sides and the scattered parts through microscopic psychiatry, by probing awareness and avoidance of awareness of every detail of the clients and the so-called therapist’s behaviour. and if otherwise, then all what we do is reinforce the deceptive dominance of the intellect and interfere with the emotional responses, which are the centre of the clients personality.
Along side the turtle,
an octopus looks through wide open eyes,
timid and curious, ready to explore, ready to swim away.
In a world so very different from ours, is the doorway to this planet,
Under the wings of mantas, is the true shade of a new unexplored quiet,
This moment will stay,
These thoughts and weightlessness will stay,
The feelings of holding, floating and vastness will always remain as the strongest anchors.
I have come to understand that most of our problems (or at least what we call as problems), can be solved with a good sleep, hydration, laughter, getaway, playlist or an old favourite series, hugs and time spent with a dear one, kisses and surprises,
a long walk,deep dive, a book or a good lay sometimes a cup of coffee or even a scotch.
ps : above might work in a prescribed dose or specific combination when practiced in a particular order at regular intervals!!
The first nudes in the known and recorded history is that of Adam and Eve, and the narrative of that story changed many times from nudity to nakedness to disobedience to shame and so on and so forth ….. now with the onset of modern times….
nudity is beauty, it is glamour, and even a contest!
People are not naked as they are. They are naked as the viewer views them.
This subjective interface is transference, it is a projected perception of an old introjection. Nudity does not manufacture the dream,
all it does is reflects oneself that we are not yet enviable - yet could be !
Like Berger said : “what he saw reminded him that he was a man”
To be naked is to be oneself. To be nude is to be seen naked by others and yet it might not be what one recognises self for or identifies with.
Through the endless years, with teachings and tomes on mindfulness, awareness, and the elusive essence of the here-and-now, we still find ourselves wandering. What is it that we have yet to grasp? What keeps our minds restless, agitated, plagued by intrusions, and lost in chaos?
How is it that the state of pure being, the nature of the mind in its non-duality, still remains a distant mystery in a world steeped in division?
Much like psychology, mythology and theology that cannot stand apart in isolation, I believe that this state of ‘awareness’ too cannot be confined to a singular understanding. It is vast, inclusive, embracing the essence of who we are—our ‘being’, our ‘doing’, our ‘participation’, and the intricate dance between these and the forces of ‘ecology’ and ‘economy’. Time, like an ancient arbiter,
levels us all, binding each experience into the vast web of existence. Perhaps, it is in how we are introduced to these moments—whether through a person, a love story, a loss, the creation of art, or the silent stillness of mindfulness or vipassana. The blue sky therefore can be missed, even though it is ever-present, it may be obscured by clouds or celestial wanderers, or perhaps by the myriad distractions of our earthly lives. And so, my wonder is stirred: Isn’t psychotherapy itself a path to spirituality? How could we not engage with this Buddha nature that resides within all of us, a little beyond the limited constructs of ego, cognition, definitions and narratives?
To be seen, is to be hunted. We are gorgeous only in life, only for a brief time.In death we disappear. Like the setting sun, it exits only in its death and in the pursuit of it’s survival, that is the only place you can meet the sunset, on the verge of its disappearance, that is the only time the sunset is born. So unless you dissolve in the water of the same matter, you do not understand psychotherapy and by extension, the kingdom of spirituality will continue to be a dual existence, logical, or even binary.
The night is long till the morning comes, during its absence, the details die and stories change. Sun must rise again for the earth to bloom and live again, or else, it will be gripped in the cold clutches of death, a true lover and step first love.
All journey is a sacred path. This one too. It is when we journey we meet the lover, departed and the shadows of our past love stories. If we don’t stop and ponder, If we don’t pause and process, did we even journey.
The night, a toast and a prose from page number 37 will lead us to love, or an error, a glitch, hurt, loss, grief or may be even joy and wonderment. These are journeys too and Journeys are sacred. Well, whether we peruse it or not, love will find us in the morning and kiss us stories of passion and wilderness.
In these moments of beauty and despair we come in touch with our humanness, vulnerability and mortality. But since it’s all going eventually, both love and life, and now
that we are on the wave, let me say thank you for the times we hugged and kissed, for the times we sipped from the chalice of moonlight, the evenings and morning promises; I will try and see off this too with love.
Most of us grow up surrounded by stories of love, tales of connection and timeless devotion. From childhood, we’re taught to cherish love’s highs, through the lives of those around us, through the media we consume, and through our own dreams. But there’s a truth about love that often goes unspoken: to love deeply is to accept the inevitability of loss.
Loss and grief aren’t reserved for death alone; they slip in when relationships fade, when people drift apart, when life pulls us in unexpected directions, or when we lose pieces of ourselves in the process of loving. Grief isn’t separate from love, it’s woven into it. The heartache, the tears, the heaviness you feel, that’s the evidence of the presence of love in its absence. And no matter how much we may want to, we can’t outrun grief, for it lingers, sometimes quietly, sometimes with overwhelming force. There’s no roadmap for it, it doesn’t obey time or reason, and it has no season; it may hit you years later, in an unguarded moment, when you think the wounds have healed.
But grief, for all its pain, has a way of revealing what’s truly important. It cracks you open, forcing you to see life and love for the fragile things they are. It reminds you that the people you cherish could be gone in a heartbeat. Don’t we all have moments of regret, remorse, and ruefulness, for not holding on longer, not saying what we truly felt?
The instinct to push grief away, to numb it, is natural. But we can’t, we mustn’t, and we shouldn’t. Grief is the price we pay for love, and isn’t love worth that price? Would you trade the joy, the connection, the love, just to avoid the devastating pain of loss? Most of us wouldn’t, because we know, in our hearts, that grief is part of living fully. It’s the proof that we loved fiercely, that we dared to open ourselves up to something with no guarantees. Grief doesn’t mean we’ve lost, it means we’ve loved. Every pang of sorrow is a reminder of the love that once filled our heart. And maybe that’s how it’s meant to be, how it has always been and how it will continue to remain. Maybe that’s how we come to truly understand the depths of what it means to live, to connect, to be human.
Most of us grow up surrounded by stories of love, tales of connection and timeless devotion. From childhood, we’re taught to cherish love’s highs, through the lives of those around us, through the media we consume, and through our own dreams. But there’s a truth about love that often goes unspoken: to love deeply is to accept the inevitability of loss. Loss and grief aren’t reserved for death alone; they slip in when relationships fade, when people drift apart, when life pulls us in unexpected directions, or when we lose pieces of ourselves in the process of loving. Grief isn’t separate from love, it’s woven into it. The heartache, the tears, the heaviness you feel, that’s the evidence of the presence of love in its absence. And no matter how much we may want to, we can’t outrun grief, for it lingers, sometimes quietly, sometimes with overwhelming force. There’s no roadmap for it, it doesn’t obey time or reason, and it has no season; it may hit you years later, in an unguarded moment, when you think the wounds have healed.
The intersection of literature and psychology offers a profound lens through which we could explore the hidden, often ignored parts of the human psyche. Literature, at its core, is a reflection of the inner world, capturing the complexities of human emotion, struggle, and identity. Through characters, plots, and symbolism, stories like ‘Frankenstein’s Monster’ often reveal the psychological truths we shy away from, the wounds, desires, and shadows we suppress in our own lives.
I see research as the heartbeat of progress, a quiet force moving beneath the surface of our daily lives. Years ago, when I started my journey in research and saw its potency, I understood how it is the often unseen and unappreciated labour behind growth, how it connects us to something larger than ourselves. It is a vision of the world not as it is, but as it could be. Too often, research feels overlooked, like a seed planted but left unattended. People hesitate to get to its depths—perhaps because it demands time, patience, and a willingness to embrace uncertainty.
For those who take it on, research is deeply rewarding. It brings the joy of discovery and the beauty of solving mysteries. Research is hard work, yes. It is early mornings, late nights, dozens of cups of coffee and questions without easy answers—but it is also beauty and resilience. I hope you take the plunge into this world today and not get discouraged by the “words that come in pairs.”
We are a sum total of a series of complex behaviours that adds discipline and consistency to our lives. The journey or the destination we enjoy - what I mean is the “the experience of being self” and (or) “the joy of celebrating who we are” - both are tied down to our behavioural patterns. If otherwise then, we are just lucky that we are blessed with generational wealth or mystical blessings.
So looking at the concept of “what we like, when we like another person”
- do we like ‘what they possess’ - like a good skin, vocabulary or a car or that four bed kitchen.. etc etc
-or-
- do we like their actions, activities and behaviours - like reading a book, playing tennis or meditating daily.. etc
So, whatever it is that we like or tend to appreciate in others - my curiosity is “do we like that in ‘others’, because we would have liked it in us. And as soon as we see it in others ..’we begin to like that (or them), as we begin to unconsciously vibrate to the fact, how we would be, behave or become.. ‘if we had that in us’
In simple words “what we like in others, we awaken in ourself”
Gestalt is a ‘the form, formation. Symmetry, orientation, balance and much much more’. In encompasses the neuro-linguistic operators. It is the study of the content within a particular context.
Gestalt psychology is good literature, and its philosophy is worth diving into especially the application of metaphor, movement and linguistics in counselling-therapy.
Then study of the Microskills is such a life-skill, a pre-requisite for quality living.
I have fallen in love in December, on a long bus ride,
I have touched her hands in soft corners of her heart,
Those eyes, and evening walks,
The moon light and the quiet balcony dance, under the fairy lights. A four poster bed, the evening rain and the promises we made, lasted for a life time, for as long as it lasted.
December was lying on your lap, an old Jaz music, kissing your sweet lips, knowing this too shall pass.
Decembers reminds me of the promise of love, in ways I have held and been, it was long time ago, even today these skies when I look from here, reminds me of the same skies we looked on to together… today ..
you aren’t here
and this me, who is here, wasn’t the one who met you,
still it’s the same love I feel, I felt years ago on these bright waters on that evening sky.
The festive season, often a time of joy and togetherness, can also carry a shadow for many. For those grieving a loss or navigating the weight of limited resources, winter can feel less like a celebration and more like an unforgiving reminder of life’s harsh realities. In places torn apart by war, where hardship defines every moment, the warmth of the season may feel like a distant dream.
As we exchange wishes of “Merry Christmas,” let us not forget those whose lives are marked by pain, struggle, or absence. The social pressure to partake in festivities, to show up despite the heaviness in one’s heart, can be overwhelming for those carrying invisible burdens.
This Christmas, I hold space for those who are grieving, for the unspoken losses, and for the quiet resilience of those enduring in silence. May this season bring not just cheer but also compassion, understanding, and a gentle reminder that love can heal even the deepest wounds. Whatever you are going through, I send you love, kindness, and the hope that you find light in your own time and way.
Yesterday, in the final sharing of 2024 with the community —“The Gathering”; I shared a moment with my teacher (Judy) that has lingered with me. It was a few years ago, an evening for me and an early morning for her. We met online, and as her presence filled the screen, I greeted her: “It is so nice to see you, Judy.” She smiled, her words simple yet profound: “It is sooo nice to be seen and not just viewed.” That statement stirred something deep within me. In a world where we view and review endlessly, how often do we truly see? Judy’s words made me question: how much of what I view do I truly see? And among those who view me, how many truly see me? This reflection unraveled another truth: multitasking is a myth. Presence is singular. When we spread ourselves thin, juggling tasks, we lose the depth of connection, both with others and ourselves. Have you ever completed a task, ticked it off the list, yet felt an inexplicable emptiness? That hollow space is what we call psycho-neurosis—a part of us remains unseen, unheard, and unheld, despite the illusion of completion.
To see and to be seen is an act of grace, a sacred exchange in the present moment. It is here that life truly unfolds.
As she was sharing on the topic of love, intimacy and trauma ; there was a segment in the class where she spoke about how presence brings healing …
And how important it is that we as interventionist work on the quality of our presence, which is the most important of all the prerequisites… it’s what we call as ‘therapeutic presence.' And then she continue to share at an earlier segment, and personally, I thought this was gold when she said, and I quote :
“Some things need to be seen,
Some things need to be heard,
Some things need to be held,
And some things need to be healed.
Knowing the difference is what creates the difference”
In this frame of discourse, I am sharing about the various narratives and strategies that motivates behaviour and how they could be associated with character building through which people participate in relations, which in-turn creates various dimensions and Matrices. All issues arising in a relation , emerges from the space of communication… and every communication impedance comes from character impedance; Which is some sort of an impact that one has experienced during the growing up process, which must have created an understanding of ‘how and what’ should be done also of ‘how and what’ should not be done. This takes away choice points of additional flexibility within a context, which demands more than just participation from past understanding..
Well, all of the above could be true provided the client does not have any other impedance in anatomy, neurology, physiology biology, et cetera.
Although the clay may be molded into a vase, the true utility of the vase lies in what is absent—the emptiness within. At the very core of psychotherapy, as with spirituality, resides an extraordinary phenomenon: the void, the nothingness. Our inquiry lies in observing how individuals respond when confronted with this encroaching blankness. Between the Raindrops is a one-day workshop designed to elicit and explore our behavioral responses to this void. Pathology, in many ways, is a reflection of our relationship with this emptiness. Creative individuals and meditators often embrace the void, allowing themselves to become a blank canvas.
In contrast, the neurotic and the psychotic may struggle, resisting the fertile space that the void offers. This feared emptiness—the fertile void—is not a void of despair but of infinite possibility. Exploring it becomes the pivotal moment of therapeutic change, where transformation begins and healing takes root.
Every attempt to avoid pain creates more pain. The struggle is real, and it’s unique to each of us, our journeys and the events it offers. The inability to express self through the changing gestalt, creates blocks, explosions and deterioration.
As human beings, one of the major aspects we could be in service of self is to meditate over “have I forgotten to be child-like; have I forgotten that I have access to my body and along with it the whole rage of expression and movement and voice”
This awareness brings to light the quality of our self regulation, these are little pathways of coming home, coming home to self.
Even Spock yelled, he emoted, he expressed.
The half human and half Vulcan said “ I am falling”, that is when his emotions were overtaking him, and when he couldn’t see Capt of Starfleet James Tiberius Kirk, suffocating and dying
Six million Jews, alongside millions of others, systematically erased in the Holocaust.
It was an industrialised annihilation of humanity, carried out with cold precision and horrifying intent. Gas chambers, mass shootings, forced starvation, and labor camps turned human beings into numbers, names into ash.
The pain is unfathomable, the loss immeasurable.
But as we reflect on this darkness, we must ask: was it only Hitler?
Did one man alone commit such dark tyrinnical atrocities ? ? ?
Hitler gave the orders, yes, but it was ordinary people: teachers, doctors, soldiers and neighbours that carried them out.
It wasn’t some inhuman force; it was humanity itself, surrendering to fear, hatred, and obedience.This wasn’t an isolated moment of madness, it was a mirror held up to the darkness we all carry. That same darkness fueled the slave ships that tore millions from their homes, the killing fields of Cambodia, and the massacres in Rwanda. It whispers even today in Ukraine, Gaza, and every place where humanity is reduced to collateral damage.The Holocaust isn’t just history, it’s a warning.
The hostile part of us, the part that divides, conquers, annihilates isn’t confined to dictators or extremists, it’s within all of us, lurking, waiting for a moment to surface. Like the cold, lifeless void of space outside our fragile biosphere, it’s hostile to life. And if we don’t confront it, it will consume us.We like to believe we’re better,but given the right circumstances, would we be? Or would we look away, follow orders, justify the unthinkable?Memory alone isn’t enough. We must resist the hostility within us, every urge to dehumanize, to turn away, to justify harm.If we don’t, we’ll create another Hitler, another Holocaust.History doesn’t repeat itself; we do.It’s on us to build something different, to hold space for others, to nurture life over destruction. If we don’t, we won’t just remember the past, we’ll relive it.
The snake, both feared and revered, moves through the world with an eerie grace. Its sinuous body glides silently, leaving only the faintest trace of its presence. The snake does not ask for permission; it moves with an inherent knowing, a primordial power that shapes the world in its wake. It is represented as Kundalini, a divine sensual energy in Hinduism, and the sacred serpent of Asclepius (the Greek god of healing) in Greek mythology; at once seductive and dangerous, a creature whose venom could kill, yet whose poison could also heal. Its shedding of skin is not a gentle metamorphosis; it is a brutal, necessary act, casting off the past, the limitations, the old wounds, and emerging raw, vulnerable, yet undeniably powerful. There is no softness in its transformation. It strips itself bare, unafraid of the exposure, as it embraces the sharp sting of renewal. The snake embodies that which we fear most: change that demands confrontation, the violent necessity of evolving, even if it means being torn apart in the process.
The snake archetype thus represents a manifestation of the prima materia, the raw, unrefined substance of the psyche that holds both our deepest fears and our greatest potential for transformation.
It is a symbol of the Self, the totality of our being, where the conscious mind and the shadow meet in a volatile dance, struggling to reconcile the splits.The snake calls us to confront the darkness within, the parts we suppress, the vulnerabilities we deny, the pain we bury deep inside. It demands that we peel away the layers of defense and facades we’ve constructed, exposing ourselves for who we truly are, even if that means staring down the very things we’ve feared most. This is the raw work of integration, not a soft surrender, but an intense confrontation with all that is fractured and split within us. To embody the snake is to meet that confrontation with grace and alignment, allowing the darkness to be seen and transmuted, rather than simply discarded.
The longing to touch and be touched is at the core of all living beings, it brings together a sense of grace, nurture and safety when done in ecology and equanimity.
It is a moment of gratitude, when someone lets you be in that space, also it’s plane generosity when someone you love holds you generously.
Also in many ways this holding is proof that we have a body-and that there are many more bodies in the world
Doesn’t matter who you are, where you are from…
“Your dreams are valid.”
When Lupita Nyong’o stood on that Oscar stage, her voice steady, her eyes shining with the weight of history and hope, those words did not land lightly. They did not float away like a hollow platitude. They fell, heavy and real, into the hands of those who had been told, by the world, by history, by their own weary reflections, that their dreams were too much, too distant, too impossible.
This is sponsorship. Not charity. Not pity. But the unwavering act of witnessing.
To sponsor someone is to stand beside them, to see them fully, even when they cannot yet see themselves. It is not about fixing, not about saving, but about holding space so
they know, in their bones, that they are not invisible. That they are not alone. That their existence, their dreams, matter.Because to be unseen is to disappear. And sponsorship is the quiet, radical defiance of that erasure.You don’t have to have power, or wealth, or status to sponsor someone. You just have to see them. To say, without hesitation, without condition: You are real. You are here. And your dreams? They are valid
Grief doesn’t always wait for death. Sometimes, it arrives early, settling into the spaces between what was and what will never be. This is the ache of living losses, the grief that begins long before the final goodbye. It is watching someone you love fade before your eyes, knowing they are still here but already slipping away. It is mourning in real-time, grieving what is gone while still holding what remains.There is a particular cruelty to this kind of loss. It does not offer the sharp, clean break of finality but stretches over days, months, even years, an ache without resolution. The mother who no longer remembers your face, the partner whose illness has made
them a stranger, the friend who is slipping into the distance of addiction or mental illness, you still see them, but they are no longer fully here. You love them in fragments, hold on to moments of lucidity, knowing each one could be the last. And yet, even within this sorrow, there is something tender, something worth holding onto. Living losses, for all their pain, offer something that death does not: time. The chance to love while love is still possible, to speak the words that might otherwise go unsaid, to create meaning within the heartbreak. There is grief, yes, but there is also presence. There is the quiet beauty of bearing witness, of choosing to stay, of finding ways to reach them even as they slip away.Perhaps this is what makes living losses so painful and profound: they remind us that love is not just about presence but about steadfastness, about showing up even when the ending is already written. There is no way to hold on forever, but in choosing to stay, in offering our care, our patience, our quiet witness, we give something that lingers beyond the loss itself. And maybe, in that space between holding on and letting go, love becomes the thing that carries us through.
Meet me at the Bugis Street,
because it is where the one who knows
meets the one who doesn’t care
these lanes of love and destiny,the older shows and memory lanes,
A chance to go back, to the younger self,
To dance and play, to fall and rise, to rest and restore, and then to an empathetic enquire :
“Where have you been, Where are you going to?
What’s new? Could we talk? Embrace and be in love again, because I want to go with you."
the cost is great, the price is too high.
So meet me at the Bugis Street
Roald Dahl once said: “The same boiling water that softens the potato hardens the egg.”
I shared this metaphor in response to a client that said “my husband makes me angry” .. an attempt to showcase that people respond differently to the environment because of their inherent nature.
This video explains this very point; a circumstance cannot bring out in you what is not already present.
This is also an extension of Se. Freud’s work on transference.
Trauma doesn’t always leave in the same way it arrives. It embeds itself in the quiet — in a coping pattern, a distant relationship, a half-finished thought. And while we may believe we’ve cleaned up the aftermath, it often takes just the slightest shift for those remnants to resurface.
As practitioners, it’s crucial to notice where clients have developed coping mechanisms that not only keep them surviving, but also strain their relational world.
When trauma strikes, it does not ask for permission or announce itself. It fractures the psyche in ways both visible and invisible, loud and quiet. Some people collapse inward, as if the very weight of the pain pulls them below the surface of life. They fall into silence, into stillness, into that numb, suspended state where time doesn’t move forward, it just loops. Days blend. Faces blur. Emotions vanish. It’s not peace; it’s paralysis. Not healing, but hibernation. The body may be present, but the self has retreated to some unseen, inner cave, curled tightly around what little remains unbroken.
Others, though, respond in the exact opposite way. Instead of slowing down, they speed up. They flood themselves with work, responsibilities, movement, noise; anything to
outrun the stillness where grief waits. They build routines so dense, distractions so elaborate, that the silence never gets a word in. Productivity becomes the armour. Success becomes the smokescreen. They’re praised for their strength, their resilience, their astonishing ability to “carry on.” But no one sees that the engine running them is grief, disguised, suppressed, never grieved.These are different behavioural responses to impacts that show up uninvited - trauma, clinically distressing and unwanted, all of these are coping behaviours and approaches born from the same place of origin: unbearable pain, and the psyche’s desperate bid to survive it.Healing doesn’t mean choosing one path over another. It means learning, gently, how to return. To feeling. To presence. To the body. To the pain, yes, but also to smiles, laughters, intimacy and pleasures of this world.It means risking softness after building walls.It means unlearning the ways you kept yourself safe, because they’ve become the ways you stay stuck. For only when the wounded, abandoned and abused parts of the psyche is allowed to suffer this unwanted experience again, this time in safety, compassion and with the promise of a new outcome could true healing occur.Because to live fully again, to actually feel life, not just move through it, is not just an act of courage. It’s an act of resurrection.
As we grow, life demands polish—composure over chaos, logic over feeling. In the name of maturity, we mute joy, dilute truth, and shelve wonder. But repression is not resilience.There is wisdom in staying childlike—not childish, but alive with curiosity, honest emotion, and raw presence.
In Gestalt, we say: what is not expressed is not healed. Your trembling voice, your wild laugh, your tender ache—they matter. Let discomfort come. Let your truth disrupt. Wholeness isn’t perfection. It’s integration—the fierce and the fragile, held together. Innocence and insight can coexist. That’s where peace lives. So if parts of you have gone silent—reclaim them.Your aliveness is not too much. It is you.
Therapeutic transformation begins not with insight, but with return—a turning inward toward the scorched terrain of memory, where abandonment, silence, and rupture once carved their triggers and sensations into the psyche. It is here, in this quiet archaeology of the self, that healing begins—not through erasure, but through reverent witnessing.
Yet this return is not a nostalgic dialogue with a younger self. It is a sacred meeting between the adult—formed by time, experience, and choice—and the inner child, who was split under the weight of what should never have been endured. These are not memories we revisit; they are lost provinces of the soul, awaiting reintegration.
But who is it that turns inward?
Who initiates this sacred reckoning?
This question matters deeply. Because if the adult who approaches the wound is still fragmented—reactive, avoidant, enmeshed—then the encounter may reenact harm rather than heal it. In Gestalt, we speak of the emergence of the “aware ego”—the one who can stay present, set boundaries, and embody empathy. Jung would call this the awakening of the Self—the inner container vast enough to hold the contradictions of joy and grief, rage and tenderness. Without this stable witness, integration is an illusion. The child does not need another rescuer—it needs a home, safe space to explore without judgement, condemnation, bully or the fear of abandonment. And so, before we rush to heal the past, we must ask: Have I become the kind of adult my inner child can finally trust? One who can hold sorrow without collapse, set limits without guilt, and love without needing to be needed.
𝐃𝐨 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐫𝐮𝐬𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧. 𝐅𝐢𝐫𝐬𝐭, 𝐛𝐞𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐬𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐭𝐮𝐚𝐫𝐲.
Jamie’s knife, Arthur’s laughter, Kevin’s rampage—these are not mere acts of violence. They are mirrors. Distorted, yes, but deeply human. The shadow isn’t a fiction or a metaphor—it’s a psychological reality. A part of us that we deny, repress, disown. But what we exile, returns. It returns with a blade, or a grin, or a scream. The myth that pathology exists in the other is comforting—but false. The truth is darker, and more honest: the line between good and evil does not divide people—‘it divides each of us, internally’. And when the world rewards masks and punishes vulnerability, our unacknowledged pain finds its own voice. Sometimes it whispers.
Sometimes it screams.We live in a culture that pathologizes sensitivity and exiles grief. But those we label disordered or dangerous are often those who have borne the weight of what we collectively refuse to speak or feel. Madness, at times, is nothing more than unspoken suffering echoing through the emptiness.Empathy, compassion—these are not luxuries. They are survival tools in a world dangling on the edge of its own unconscious. And yet, even with them, there are no guarantees. This is not a call for naive optimism. Death is certain. Tragedy is inevitable. The Big Bang did not ask for consent, and neither will the end. The question is: who will we be in the face of ‘that’ truth?The work, then, is inward. To confront our own shadows and pathology. To sit with our demons and grief. To be the ones who make peace possible, even if safety never is.Because maybe—just maybe—if we do the inner work, Jamie won’t reach for the knife.And Arthur might just weep instead of laugh.And Kevin might still be whole.So sit with this:If your life had taken a different turn, and you found no witness to your life … and when your rage goes unheard…How far would you be from the edge?And if that answer terrifies you, good, That’s where the work begins
You don’t notice the breath
until it’s gone.
You don’t thank the comma
until the sentence ends.
We rush—
through touch, through time—
like it’s all guaranteed.
But the truth is,
even the stars you wish on
are dying.
Love doesn’t leave all at once.
It forgets how to speak,
then how to stay.
And suddenly,
you’re sitting with silence,
trying to remember
what it meant to be seen.
The hyphen—
that small thing between two lives—
you only see it
when the pause comes too late.
So here’s to the ones who stayed.
And the ones who left.
To the ache,
and the breath
we never knew
was sacred.
Some days are hard, even getting out of bed can feel impossible. Life offers these moments; byproducts of taxes, love, ambition... or just breakups, lockdowns, and loss.
On days like this, don’t force yourself to show up, instead grieve, ache and let the melancholy speak. And along with that, whisper: “I’m getting ready to be ready, to be ready, to be ready.”
Because as my friend Gianna says,“There’s always a rock to place my foot on; even when the terrain is uncertain.”
I am here not to teach, but to remember,
to remember my personal moments in my journey of learning, alchemy, my sacred spaces and the ‘rock’ !!
To remember how once, in trying to understand the subject and the world, I forgot how little I understood myself. There was a time I mistook thinking for feeling. and built an entire world in my mind just with words, imagining closeness, rehearsing connection, while my body stood quietly at a distance, too afraid to be touched. I had to learn presence like a whole new language, to be Alive. Aware. Willing to stay.
This photo is not about teaching. It’s about returning, reminiscing the truth… to be, to connect, to contact, the vulnerability and fragile art of being with.
