And then the day came,
when the risk
to remain tight
in a bud
was more painful
than the risk
it took
to blossom.
— Anais Nin (Risk)
Like the buds of a flower, children perceive the world through a lens of nurturance, care, and comfort. Their perspective of the world is often characterised by simplicity, viewing it as a safe space. They find solace in the cocoon of their parents' presence, feeling secure when held in their mother's warm arms or tightly grasping their father's fingers, believing that no external force can harm them.
Whether we call it naivety or trust, this mindset leads children to believe that this safe world is the ultimate reality wholeheartedly. Consequently, they remain exceptionally trusting and open to experiencing life, often oblivious to the complexities and challenges that lie beyond their immediate surroundings. Remember when you were a child, how eagerly you sought to uncover what awaited you next - why the world is round, why the sun shines so brilliantly?
Your mind was brimming with questions about endless possibilities, not burdened by anxiety or concerns about the future. Back then, your questions were fueled by dreams and aspirations, where you imagined soaring through the skies, dancing with joy, laughing loudly, and shedding tears of emotion. Think about the time to your first day at playschool or preschool, how difficult was it to make friends for instance? You could just sit next to someone and share your tiffin, and the very next day, you would find yourself a friend, a friend that you could share your life with, talk about the boring assignments, your recess break, what you would eat, etc and BOOM you just scored yourself a best friend.
Research done by Brett Laursen, Ph.D., of Florida Atlantic University and doctoral student Sharon Faurv involved 235 participants aged 8-11, consisting of 129 boys and 106 girls proving this theory to be right. At the beginning of the study and again after 13-14 weeks, the students were asked to rank their friends based on their best friend, next best friend, and so on. The result showcased that students who sat next to or near each other were more likely to consider each other as friends compared to students who sat further apart (Faur & Laursen, 2022). The findings highlight how effortlessly children can establish friendships and close connections without the need for elaborate meetups, expensive outings, or organised activities. In their case, mere proximity was enough for friendship to blossom.
However, the challenge arises when adults find themselves unable to make friends that easily. Unlike children, whose minds are brimming with endless possibilities and a sense of adventure, adults tend to absorb negativity, plagued by thoughts of potential risks and uncertainties. The youthful, flexible nature within us transforms rigid over time, making it resistant to change.
Q) Can you think back about your initial day in preschool and reflect on the impact of others' presence on your emotions during that time?
Overview of Adult Friendships
Life isn’t something you can give an answer to today. You should enjoy the process of waiting,
the process of becoming what you are. There is nothing more delightful than planting flower seeds and not knowing what kind of flowers are going to come up.
-Milton H. Erickson, M.D. (1979)
As we journey from childhood to adulthood, we undergo substantial transformations, encompassing both physical and emotional aspects. Our interactions with others evolve, our worldview shifts and the dynamics of forming and nurturing friendships experience significant changes. These changes may stem from reasons like relocation for work or education. As we gradually transition into adulthood, we discover that we are no longer solely students attending school or college; we have assumed multiple roles.
The roles we take on may include being a mother, a daughter, a manager, a sister, or a member of various groups like the Rotary Club. With the multitude of roles, it becomes challenging to find someone whose routine or life aligns perfectly with ours. Life becomes busy and intricate; relationships become more serious, and our attention is demanded by various aspects like family and work (Otrop, 2021). Consequently, we find ourselves with limited time at the end of the day. By that point, fatigue sets in, and making additional efforts becomes increasingly challenging. As a result, Adult Friendships may be overlooked in the process, leading to potentially detrimental outcomes.
Many years ago, I had a client telling me "I feel so lonely, that any time I feel like reaching out to someone for a talk, coffee, or a hug, I get a 'non-availability' signal from my friends.
She continued to say “I find myself being pushy when I try to connect - or needy. Because everybody's life is already so full of responsibilities, promises, and another schedule, WHERE CAN I NOW MEET THEM !!
And as she spoke, she shared her loneliness, awkwardness, and emptiness - through her being in the room, the emptiness she felt was so real, so painful and so heavy for her to live with it, daily. It's not always about life transitions but also about internal struggles and unresolved issues that act as barriers to forming meaningful adult friendships. This, in turn, results in individuals being stuck in a cycle of maintaining superficial or strictly professional connections. Amid the hustle and bustle of life, there seems to be a struggle to pause and appreciate the small, meaningful moments. The genuine joy and fulfillment that come from authentic relationships often get overshadowed by the constant demands and pressures of daily life. This heartfelt conversation with my client highlighted the profound impact that loneliness and a lack of meaningful connections can have on an individual's overall well-being and emotional state.Another reason why we find ourselves stuck in the cycle of loneliness and not being able to come out could be due to the role of our past negative experiences. Past negative experiences contribute to deep-seated trust issues, causing many adults to emotionally close off and adopt a colder demeanor in their interactions. In the words of Peter Levine, “Trauma is not what happens to us, but what we hold inside in the absence of an empathetic witness.”
When we have undergone trauma or had severe negative experiences in our lives such as a traumatic childhood, abusive parents, or being a part of something traumatic we don’t end up viewing the world or people as a safe space for us. We also end up internalising the pain and the result is that we don't feel in our own body and we don't end up expressing our true selves. Due to this we also feel that no one will truly understand us and that maybe we are a burden or we end up shaming ourselves instead of reaching out to people.
But the need of the hour is that we need to begin wherever we are, we cannot go back in the past and change whatever has happened, what we can do instead is change our narrative in the present. We can begin by sorting by what is there, what is worth cherishing and what is she grateful for still being there. It has been observed that adverse experiences have the potential to lead to positive transformations (Tedeschi, 2020). These changes may manifest as an acknowledgment of personal resilience, the exploration of new opportunities, enhanced relationships, a deeper gratitude for life, and spiritual development. Examples of this phenomenon are evident in individuals who have faced challenges such as war, natural disasters, loss, unemployment, economic difficulties, and serious health issues (Tedeschi, 2020). Despite the difficulties, there is a possibility for many of us to undergo positive personal growth in its aftermath.
Achieving positive growth necessitates connecting with our authentic selves—the person we were before it all began—and creating space for the individual we are evolving into. It's imperative to embrace our true selves, acknowledge the past that caused us pain, and confront the voices that hinder our progress toward becoming the best version of ourselves—a more resilient version. Recognising the silver lining and wholeheartedly believing in it are crucial steps. We must grasp onto these positive emotions and remain mindful of the transformative journey they guide us through. Actively recognising and appreciating the positive contributions from various aspects of life is highlighted as a pivotal element in this transformative process.Furthermore through this realisation comes a point wherein we can also connect with others who have undergone similar experiences and form long-lasting relationships or friendships. These bonds often emerge from the necessity to offer and receive support during challenging periods. Traumatic experiences can catalyze the forming of new connections and instill a heightened sense of gratitude for existing relationships. Going through a crisis collectively often leads to a shared experience that strengthens the bonds between individuals.
The Power of Social Connections
A study conducted by Elizabeth Lange and colleagues between 1983 to 2019 investigated how early-life experiences and adult social connections influenced the long-term survival of a closely monitored group of 199 female baboons in Amboseli (Lange et al., 2023). Researchers identified potential adversities, finding that 75% of baboons faced at least one stressor, that impacted their lifespans.
Notably, baboons with strong adult social bonds, lived 2.2 years longer, demonstrating the crucial role of social connections in mitigating the effects of early-life challenges on longevity (Duke University, 2023). The findings underscored the dual impact of early-life adversity and adult social interactions on baboon survival, suggesting that cultivating strong social bonds in adulthood could enhance overall well-being.
The correlation between mental health and the quality of our relationships is undeniable. As social beings, our existence feels incomplete in isolation, and our survival is intricately tied to interaction (Rivers, 2017). Recognising the crucial role of connections and social bonds becomes essential. Building meaningful relationships is fundamental to overall health and well-being. Years of research highlight the importance of social connections, and reflect the reality that humans have thrived in groups. In a meta-analysis conducted by Holt-Lunstad and colleagues at Brigham Young University, they examined 148 articles on the impact of human interactions on health outcomes, the findings revealed a 50% improvement in the odds of survival when individuals maintained social connections with friends, family, neighbors, or colleagues (Martino et al., 2017).
Thus this highlights the importance of how essential closer connections and bonding are for our mental health as well. There is a correlation between the both, as the quality of our mental health depends on the type of relationship we have. If the relationship is based on trust, respect, and common ground we find it easier to connect with the person and thus it increases the likelihood of these relationships positively impacting us. It is also essential to understand that connections like these are also likely to help us heal and aid in our healing process. Social connections especially during difficult times, for example, breakups, grieving, etc are useful and we feel much more relieved when we have shared our pain with a person who has understood and we feel even more relieved when we find someone who has been through a similar pain to us and has survived, it gives us hope. And hope is what is a bind that binds us in life after all. Numerous studies indicate that social connections play a crucial role in enhancing people's happiness. Fulfilling relationships not only contributes to a sense of joy but is also linked to improved health and even extended life expectancy. Our emotional experiences are closely tied to the quality of our relationships. Positive connections evoke feelings of happiness, contentment, and tranquility, while negative or absent relationships can lead to anxiety, depression, and loneliness (Oppong, 2019). This impact is not exclusive to romantic relationships but extends to close friendships and social connections at work, exerting a profound influence on overall happiness.
Recall the last time you experienced a peak moment in your life—those instances of intense excitement or when everything seemed perfectly aligned. More often than not, such moments involve the presence of others. A comprehensive Harvard study spanning 75 years, focusing on adult development, revealed that good relationships are the foremost factors contributing to long-term happiness. Dr. Robert Waldinger, a psychiatrist and director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development, noted that the extensive research unequivocally underscored the role of positive relationships in maintaining happiness and well-being (Mineo, 2017).
Q) Can you reflect on a moment when you accomplished something positive or engaged in a kind act? Recollect the individuals who surrounded you during that time and describe how their presence made you feel.
Numerous studies beyond this long-term project affirm that individuals with satisfying relationships tend to be happier, experience fewer health issues, and enjoy longer lives. In the pursuit of happiness, individuals constantly seek better connections, and our interactions follow a cycle. Specific emotions guide us toward certain types of people, impacting our happiness and prompting us to seek out different connections for improved well-being.
Our inherent inclination toward social companionship is deeply ingrained, and our well-being is significantly affected by social support. It is said that when you smile at the world the entire world smiles back to you and that is the essence of what fostering healthy and genuine friendships should look like in our lives. Experiencing a connection with others provides a profound sense of purpose and meaning in our lives. This connection makes us feel acknowledged, listened to, and understood, contributing to our growth into the best versions of ourselves. The feeling of being connected encourages us to take risks, explore new endeavours, and pursue our passions with confidence and a clear sense of purpose. Additionally, this connection enhances our resilience when faced with challenges, as we know we have a support system to rely on. Ultimately, the strength of meaningful and empathic human connection lies in its capacity to evoke a profound sense of aliveness and contribute to the overall meaning and fulfillment of our lives.
What does 'This Space' of 'Empathetic Relations' look like?
One cannot pour from an empty cup, the same way one cannot be a friend to others or provide the same love and presence if we have practiced the same thing ourselves. It is only when we have practiced being empathic with ourselves and accepting our past versions that were broken and still learning ways of life that can we be okay with doing the same with others. It is only then can we nurture or form long-lasting relationships and break from the shackles of loneliness. Buddha has correctly stated that “If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete." Engaging in self-empathy entails extending the same kindness, care, and support toward oneself that one would readily offer to a close friend. And while we offer support to ourselves we also observe in an empathetic manner, another aspect of ourselves that is undergoing an experience. This process is characterised by an attitude of withholding judgement and maintaining openness toward one's thoughts and feelings.
Cultivating this would require the same effort and commitment as one would extend to foster and build a connection with a friend or acquaintance. The crucial step lies in acknowledging that our experiences are shared and not isolated. Understanding that negative thoughts, emotions, sensations, and states of being are part of the natural course of life. It is about installing a sense of worthiness within oneself and reparenting the abandoned or wounded child. We may have adopted restrictive beliefs, harmful habits, and challenging emotions as ingenious defence mechanisms to shield the most vulnerable aspects of ourselves. Reparenting our inner child involves freeing them from prolonged, extreme thinking or roles they may have shouldered for many years. It also entails unlocking the latent grief and fear stored deep within our bodies.
This transformative process enables the inner child to return to its inherent state of wonder, creativity, playfulness, and peace. A significant aspect of healing the inner child involves grief work, that is getting in touch with parts of ourselves that have undergone the impact of trauma. This pertains to confronting the sorrow stemming from the loss of the childhood we deserved but was stolen from us due to various traumatic events, abuse, or emotional neglect.
Engaging in this process might necessitate revisiting some of the emotional wounds from childhood that we've been avoiding through coping mechanisms such as numbing, dissociation, or preoccupation with depression or anxiety. As Carl Jung stated, "All our neuroses are substitutes for legitimate suffering," highlighting the idea that these defence mechanisms serve as substitutes for the genuine pain that needs acknowledgment and healing. When we take part in healing our wounded self we embrace the idea that our existence is characterised by inherent imperfections. We also maintain awareness of our emotions and foster an openness to gaining clearer insights into ourselves.
When we engage with awareness we engage with curiosity and can observe different facets of our experiences. We can notice negative thoughts, emotions, sensations, and states of being without fixating on them. The major impact that our past experiences usually take a toll as mentioned above is the safety we feel in our bodies. It takes away our right to feel safe within ourselves. When we change the narrative and heal our wounded child we strengthen the connection between our body and mind.
Additionally, we can do so by creating our somatic anchors. You ground yourself by focusing on thoughts and reminders associated with people, places, experiences, and items that evoke a sense of tranquility, welcome, and warmth (Marggraf, 2020). This practice enables you to center your energy within your body, preventing the sudden onset of panic or the tendency to disconnect from your body, a phenomenon that can occur abruptly and without warning.
When you pause and make use of your somatic anchors, you can connect yourself to the memory that makes you feel the warmth and love you need to connect with yourself. For instance, a hug from mom, sitting by the sea looking at the waves, enjoying your first cup of coffee. This will enhance your capacity to respond thoughtfully and creatively by cultivating moments of pause for critical reflection.
When we consciously strive to treat ourselves with care we approach ourselves from the lens of understanding, without passing judgment, and with forgiveness for our past, present, and future choices. We recognise the importance of inculcating self-care, self-soothing, and embracing positive self-talk into our daily routine. We welcome gratitude into our lives and see how there are so many things that we need to be grateful for but just miss our view because we are busy finding faults.
PAUSE!
Reflect upon the good things you are doing and learning, life is not about how many things you end up doing but rather how many things you do that truly make you happy. In this process, you shall see that once you are your own truest self, it is much easier to connect with others. You will find that it is easier to make newer connections because you are in touch with your needs and desires are not bound by the shackles of others’ opinions and are also able to hold space for others to nurture and you don’t end up judging them for their mistakes or setback. It is only then that are you able to be empathic. Empathy plays a crucial role in various aspects of human relationships, contributing to the establishment and maintenance of friendships, enhancing satisfaction in intimate relationships, and improving the overall quality of family relationships. Studies by Henry, Sager, and Plunkett in 1996 revealed positive associations between empathy and family cohesion, parental support, and communicative responsiveness (Mariadhas, J. 2019). The finding advocates for empathy as a fundamental capacity to understand and share feelings with others. This ability remains vital for establishing social communication, connection, and interaction. Empathy not only improves individual relationships but also contributes to making the world a more worthwhile place to live.
When we can hold space for someone we can step away from our judgment and prejudice and suspend our thoughts, feelings, and behaviours to make room for the other person’s experiences. It's crucial to recognise that our understanding of someone else's experience is inherently shaped by our perspective. By maintaining awareness of this, we can gently redirect our focus to the person we are with, acknowledging their present situation and discerning their needs rather than imposing our beliefs about what they need. It's essential to emphasise that holding space is centered on the other person, not ourselves.
To enhance our capacity for holding space instead of immediately attempting to fix things, we can cultivate a willingness to be present with distress and uncertainty. Holding space often involves navigating through a state of "not knowing." Humans, being inherently driven to derive meaning from their experiences, often find comfort in seeking certainty. This inclination can lead
to a certain level of discomfort when faced with the concept of "being with" rather than immediately resorting to problem-solving and taking action in our daily lives. Developing the skill of holding space entails embracing this discomfort and acknowledging that, on occasion, simply being present and actively listening can hold more value than providing immediate solutions.
When we adopt this approach to life, we cultivate connections that evoke a sense of coming home—a warmth similar to sunshine in winter and a breath of fresh air. This connection seamlessly integrates into our lives, allowing us not only to hold space for others but also to respect and honour their boundaries. It involves recognising the unspoken bond of
“what is mine and what is yours”, and
Understanding that we are enough,
We were always enough,
Just the way we were.
Q) Think about the time when you could successfully hold space for a client/ individual. What strategies or methods did you employ to achieve this?
References:
Brickel, R. E. (2020, October 19). The importance of gratitude when you have to face trauma today. Brickel and Associates LLC; Brickel and Associates. https://brickelandassociates.com/gratitude-for-mental-health-after-trauma/
Duke University. (2023, May 17). Adult friendships overcome childhood trauma, even in baboons. Newswise. https://www.newswise.com/articles/adult-friendships-overcome-childhood-trauma-even-in-baboons
Faur, S., & Laursen, B. (2022). Classroom seat proximity predicts friendship formation. Frontiers in Psychology, 13. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2022.796002
Lange, E. C., Zeng, S., Campos, F. A., Li, F., Tung, J., Archie, E. A., & Alberts, S. C. (2023). Early life adversity and adult social relationships have independent effects on survival in a wild primate. Science Advances, 9(20). https://doi.org/10.1126/sciadv.ade7172Mariadhas, J. (2019). Empathy enhances wellbeing in interpersonal relationships across lifespan. IRA-International Journal of Management & Social Sciences (ISSN 2455-2267), 11. https://doi.org/10.21013/jmss.v14.n2sp.p2
Marggraf, D. (2020, September 21). How to create a somatic anchor to help calm your nervous system. Medium. https://medium.com/@daniellemarggraf/how-to-create-a-somatic-anchor-to-help-calm-your-nervous-system-a39dc14362d1
Martino, J., Pegg, J., & Frates, E. P. (2017). The connection prescription: Using the power of social interactions and the deep desire for connectedness to empower health and wellness. American Journal of Lifestyle Medicine, 11(6), 466–475. https://doi.org/10.1177/1559827615608788Mineo, L. (2017, April 11). Good genes are nice, but joy is better. Harvard Gazette. https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2017/04/over-nearly-80-years-harvard-study-has-been-showing-how-to-live-a-healthy-and-happy-life/Oppong, T. (2019, October 18). Good social relationships are the most consistent predictor of a happy life. Thrive Global. https://community.thriveglobal.com/relationships-happiness-well-being-life-lessons/
Otrop, K. (2021, April 14). Why is maintaining adult friendships so difficult? Literary Hub. https://lithub.com/why-is-maintaining-adult-friendships-so-difficult/
Rivers, A. (2017, July 24). The importance of social connection. Mindwise.org; Riverside Community Care dba MindWise Innovations. https://www.mindwise.org/blog/uncategorized/the-importance-of-social-connection/
Tedeschi, R. G. (2020, July 1). Growth After Trauma. Harvard Business Review. https://hbr.org/2020/07/growth-after-trauma
The power of human connection. (2023, April 12). Mudita.com. https://mudita.com/community/blog/the-power-of-human-connection/Wagner, N. (2021, August 21). What Does It Mean To Hold Space for someone. Natajsa Wagner Psychotherapy. https://www.natajsawagner.com/blog/what-does-it-mean-to-hold-space
What is self-empathy? (2020, July 26). Empath Editor. https://empatheditor.com/what-is-self-empathy/